A Rough Guide to Surviving the Dreaded Interview

By Ian F Harris

Jobs are often lost at what a jockey would call the ‘first fence’. The interview. One simple act of thoughtlessness or carelessness, caused by being unprepared could see that much wanted position in a high-flying company, lost forever. Not only that, confidence damaged beyond repair. But have no fear, I am here, with five important ‘Do’s’ that should have you sailing through the interrogation and into your own office with comfy adjustable chair with secretary.

• Scrub up good.
It’s a complete waste of time turning up like you’re off to the Glastonbury festival. No matter how ‘cool’ you think you look you will not be taken seriously. Make an effort. Comb your hair.
Clean your shoes –no trainers. And yes, swallow your disgust and buy that most useless of objects, a tie.

• Do your research (or at the very least, sound like you have).
You’ve applied for the job so sound like you know what you are talking about. If need be pretend you know about the company. Be confident. Remember this is not a one-way conversation. This is your chance to show interest and ask questions. Stick with questions about the business, don’t ask about holidays or time off. Sound authoritative, almost like it’s second nature but don’t get too cocky. It is not advisable to offer your opinion on how the business ought to be run or restructured.

• Be humble.
Give the impression that you are willing to learn and are in fact excited about the prospect being taught by such a well known figure (the interviewer) in the business, but don’t go too far, no-one likes a brown-noser.

• Nod and stare.
There’s nothing wrong with showing that the interviewer has your attention, so concentrate on nodding at the right moment or dropping in an odd ‘I see’ accompanied by an occasional chin rub which will help. This is the equivalent of giving a horse a lump of sugar, with the interviewer convinced he/she is the most interesting person in the world. As for the stare, this is quite an art and takes practice. What is wanted is an ‘interested stare’ not a ‘mad or crazy stare’. Once again showing that the interviewer has your undivided attention. Word of warning. If your interviewer is a woman resist the urge to stare at her breasts.

• Bathroom.
Before the interview begins go the bathroom, where you should take a leak or a dump. Empty your bowel. Then wash your hands and face and (this is most important) take time out to expel all bodily gases (try to do this when the bathroom is empty).

So there you are, five important must – do’s before what could be the biggest life changing event of your life. So good luck, deep breaths and remember, if you don’t get the job, it’s not the end of the world. Go to pub, get drunk, go home, go to bed.

Ian Harris. http://www.theacmesunshinecompany.com
Ian Harris lives in Shakespeare country (Stratford upon Avon) in the UK and loves to write, unfortunately not to William's standard, although he believes when he dies, like Will his work will be rediscovered and he will be recognized at last.