Don't Take It Personally! Setting Personal Boundaries

By Geoffrey Farnsworth

As kids, we used to chant, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me!” Even when it was yelled on the playground, this mantra had some wisdom in it. If we said it as a retort to a verbal attack or to soothe ourselves afterwards, it was a reminder that we don’t have to give power to words flung at us in anger, needling us in mockery, or stabbing us in criticism.

The truth is, words can be hurtful, especially if they’re spoken by someone we care about. It might be an offhanded sarcastic remark from a spouse, a belittling statement from a parent, or a disrespectful answer from a teenager—any of these can push our buttons if we don’t establish some internal boundaries. But, believe it or not, we do have some control over how we let words affect us. Our responses don’t have to be automatic.

It’s good to remember that words are always more about the speaker than the one spoken to, even when the sentence begins with, “You…” People are often clumsy, even in their best efforts at communication, so listening with an ear to what’s beneath their words can help us to hear the unspoken truth—that this person is scared, insecure, hurt or in need of reassurance. Responding to this deeper truth can be more effective than defending ourselves or launching a counter-attack.

We may have someone in our lives who grumbles and complains or who speaks impatiently in an annoyed tone. Although there can be a time and a place to discuss this (maybe in therapy sessions!), we may realize that this is just “Dad being Dad” or “Sue being Sue.” We don’t have to take it personally.

Here are some visualization strategies that can help you to listen consciously without the knee-jerk reactions of hurt and anger. These can give you an image of words passing through you without getting stuck in your heart.

• See the contrast between light passing through a glass and a knife embedded in a tree.

• Imagine yourself as a porous collection of atoms with more space than matter, allowing harsh words to flow right through.

• Picture yourself as the sky, knowing that what’s thrown up at you will fall back down.

• Imagine yourself protected by an invisible shield that surrounds you on all sides. You can see and hear, but aren’t wounded by the words that come your way.

Protecting yourself from verbal attacks isn’t the same as not listening. It just helps neutralize those personal reactions so that you can judge the communication with more light and awareness.

I invite you to visit http://www.singletosoulmate.com for more valuable resources for healthy, happy relationships. Be sure to sign up for updates while you’re there.

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From Geoff Farnsworth – http://www.BestLifeTips.com & http://www.SingleToSoulMate.com