The Simple Secret for More Sex

When women are rushed, sleep suffers -- and so does your sex life
By: Geordie Brackin in Men's Health

A recent survey of American women confirmed what most women already knew (and men suspected): They're so rushed during the day that they don't get enough sleep, and that means less sex for everyone. According to the National Sleep Foundation, women who are short on time first cut back on sleep and exercise. Next to suffer cutbacks: social life, healthy eating...and sex.

"This is the largest survey in the U.S. of women in all stages of their life," says Dr. Meir Kryger, director of research and education of Sleep Medicine at Gaylord Hospital in Wallingford, CT. "It's one of the first to take into account both biology and lifestyle.

"If poor sleep patterns are a daily occurrence for women, it severely impacts their energy towards sex in the bedroom -- which is going to then affect men. It's all interconnected, and recognizing the problem will help any relationship."
We turned to Men's Health's expert, Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., our Bedroom Confidential columnist, for help.

Does this explain the "I'm too tired" excuse?
Clearly some women and men do say "I'm too tired" when they mean "I don't want to", "I'm too stressed", "I have other things on my mind", or "I'm annoyed with you". What it means probably depends on the person. Often it is a way of getting out of sex without a confrontation -- she could just be mad that you came home late and didn't call or didn't empty the dishwasher.

But the take-home message from this study should be that women (and likely men) are not getting enough sleep, bottom line, and that there are ways men and women, as partners, can improve this. Sleep has a very important effect -- including having enough energy for sex as well as sexual performance, meaning orgasms for women and men, and erections for men.

Guys can always find time for sex. Why not women?
Men do not always budget time for sex, either; they may say that, but research shows that they don't. Fatigue is a common reason that both men and women opt out of sex. Many people who deal with fatigue instead try to have sex in the morning when they may be less tired, if they tend to get more tired in the afternoon or evening. This may be a good solution for some men and their partners, too.

If more sleep equals more sex, what can men do to help women get more rest?
We know from years of research that even when couples start out in "equal" relationships, they tend over time to settle into more traditional roles, with women taking on more home and family tasks like homework, cooking, and cleaning, while men serve as breadwinners. Men may be able to ease their wife or girlfriend's burden -- and help her get more sleep -- if they work with their partner to make the last few hours of the day more peaceful.

Such as?
Here are some ideas:

1. Hire someone to help cook meals for the family, at least once in a while. Personal chef services are available but it doesn't have to be anything elaborate. Some families make meal preparation part of babysitters' responsibilities.

2. Hire a babysitter -- maybe even one that takes the kids out, while men and their partners stay in for a romantic dinner.

3. Go on a walk after dinner. This calms the kids, provides family time, gives everyone exercise which makes us tired enough for sleep but overall more healthy and active for sex.

4. Give her a massage.

5. Offer to draw her a warm bath.

6. Give the kids chores to take some of the burden off of her.

7. Hire someone to clean the house, either a professional service or local college student.

8. Take the TV out of the bedroom. Many women in the survey were watching TV before bed, which can make for restless sleep and less sex.

9. To help relax women and to set the mood, men can work with their partners to decide on a decent and early enough bed routine for the kids, give their wife or girlfriend space to get any work needed done before bed, and then still have 30-60 minutes of down time before sleep.

It sounds weird: to get more sex, we should encourage her to sleep more.
I would encourage men to strive for quality over quantity when it comes to sex. If they can make her day-to-day life easier and more restful, then when they do have sex it should hopefully be more enjoyable and something she WANTS to do, rather than feeling obligated to.

"Giving in" to sex when one is tired can set up a cycle of dreading sex but having it anyway. Having sex only when you want to, and have energy for it, is likely to make it better and set up a cycle of desire rather than obligation.