Good-Bye Empty Nest, Hello Full Life!

Today's baby boomers are reinventing their lives after the kids leave home -- and enjoying a renewal of purpose and joy.
By Carol Mithers

Every year across America hundreds of thousands of grown kids leave home -- for college, jobs, marriage, the armed forces. The term "empty nest" may be the traditional way to describe a household abruptly devoid of children, but the pathetic image it conjures -- of forlorn, purposeless parents -- is hopelessly out of date. "In the past, couples didn't have to worry about what to do after their kids grew up because many marriages ended in death not long after the last child left home," notes Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage and a contributing editor at Ladies' Home Journal. The 21st century has ushered in a new paradigm.

With today's longer life spans and smaller families, a married couple in good health can reasonably expect to spend decades together sans children. "Child rearing has changed from being a major dimension of adult life to a mere interlude," says David Popenoe, PhD, codirector of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University and a contributing editor at Ladies' Home Journal. That change, in turn, has created a new stage of marriage -- one many couples embrace. Indeed, when homebuilding company Del Webb asked aging boomers in a 2004 survey how they felt about their kids moving on, more than half said they felt freer to be themselves and a quarter reported feeling "like a newlywed again."

"Many couples today seem happier after the children have left home," acknowledges Dr. Popenoe. "After struggling for so long, this is what they look forward to."

Here, meet four couples who spent years shepherding their children into adulthood and are now reinventing their lives.

Bright Lights, Big City
Once upon a time, empty nesters preserved the family home as a virtual shrine to their departed offspring -- sports trophies crowding family room bookshelves, old rock band posters tacked to the walls of now-vacant bedrooms. Today's post-parenting moms and dads, though, are more likely to re-feather the nest for themselves. A 2001 American Furniture Manufacturers Association survey, for instance, found that one in four such couples had plans to renovate, often with luxury upgrades that would have been impractical with young kids in the house. Others happily start over. In the 2004 Del Webb survey, 36 percent of baby boomers planned to move when the kids left home.

Some of these relocating "new nesters" are helping to revitalize urban neighborhoods, notes John McIlwain, a senior fellow for housing with the Urban Land Institute, a research organization in Washington, D.C. "If you no longer have to worry about what school district you're in, you're free to choose to live where it could be fun," he says. Among these new urbanites are Naomi and Mark Paul, who raised their son and daughter in a 3,600-square-foot colonial cape in Newton, Massachusetts, and now live in a condo one-third that size in Boston's North end, less than 10 miles east of their former suburban home. "Our lives centered around the kids, so we had a house with a big yard in an area with good schools," says Naomi, 59. "When our younger child left for college, Mark suggested we look at Boston proper."

"I love it here," raves Mark, 58. Like the majority of today's empty nesters, both Pauls still work, he as a regional sales manager for an engineering firm, she as a distributor for a nutritional supplement company. (A 2006 report from the Federal Interagency Forum on Aging-Related Statistics noted that 40 percent of women and more than half of all men 62 to 64 were still working.) After years of commuting by car, Mark revels in his newfound ability to "walk to work in eight minutes and stop for an espresso on the way." The Pauls have become involved in a local synagogue and neighborhood association and, Mark says, "whenever I walk to my condo, I bump into people I know." Naomi and Mark also say that their embrace of urbanism has made an already-good marriage even better. "We're much more spontaneous now," says Naomi. "The second we go downstairs, we're in the middle of tumult and action. We love exploring the city -- it's vibrant, it's fun, and our life is much richer."

On the Road Again
Cathy and Dick Whalen's early years together were happy but hardly carefree. They married young, shortly after she graduated from college and he returned from a tour in Vietnam, and almost immediately conceived the first of their three children, a daughter born in 1968. For the next three decades, they raised children, hopscotching around the country as Dick's jobs in the food service industry demanded. The couple now lives in Centennial, Colorado, near all three of their children. When the Whalens' youngest moved out a few years ago the couple was "finally able to get the time alone together that we never had," says Cathy, 60.

Cathy and Dick had always considered themselves adventurous, but only now did they have the time to travel -- and the money. In the latter regard they are entirely typical: Sixty-seven percent of those in the Del Webb survey said their disposable income increased when their kids left home, and about half planned to spend the windfall traveling. The couple's first post-parenting act was to get certified as scuba divers and take several diving trips. Then Dick bought a Harley-Davidson, on which the two ride in nearby hills. "I can do this now," says Cathy, laughing, "because I don't have to worry about leaving three small children orphans."

Next came sailing lessons. In the last few years the Whalens have chartered boats in the Caribbean and the Gulf of California in Mexico, where they spent a week playing tag with dolphins and marveling at marine life. These adventures have renewed and changed the couple's marriage. "Much of our togetherness before was part of raising the kids -- we both went to soccer games, we both went to recitals," says Dick, 62. "Now we're together in a new way. Sailing requires cooperation and teamwork -- someone has to steer and someone else has to pull lines and tack. We're both new to it, so our abilities are even. And after you anchor for the day, it's just the two of you. No phones, no TV, just watching the sunset and talking. It gives us a peaceful connectedness."

Cathy retired as a teacher two years ago and Dick plans to stop working within the next two. After that, the couple may buy their own boat and take even longer journeys. "We have no models for this," says Cathy. "My dad died at 46, and Dick's parents worked until they died. We never knew this phase of life could be so good."

Trading Places
One of the biggest changes, and challenges, for many couples is the role reversal that the empty nest may produce. "A lot of women, especially those who've been stay-at-home moms, may feel that now's the time to go back to work or school," says David Arp, coauthor, with wife Claudia, of 10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters. "Their husbands, meanwhile, are saying 'let's slow down.'"

These divergent desires can cause problems, but for Verna and Tony Custer of Katy, Texas, the transition has been smooth. Verna, 56, was content to put her own career on the back burner while raising two daughters. She quit her teaching job after her first was born in 1978, and years later began working a few hours a week for Weight Watchers (she'd joined in the 1980s). She turned down several opportunities to move into management because "my first priority was my girls." Then, in 1999, her younger child left home. Shortly afterward, Verna got another offer, and this time she didn't hesitate. "It was a bit frightening, but I felt like I should go for it. The last 22 years had been my kids' time -- this was my time."

The first job led to a second, as assistant to the manager of Weight Watchers in Houston. "My work brings me a respect -- professional, intellectual -- that I didn't get raising a family," Verna says. "It's so rewarding to put my talents to use outside the home."

But as Verna's ambitions grew, those of her husband, Tony, 56, were shrinking. In 2005 he retired from his job as a chemical engineer. "That frightened me," Verna admits. "I certainly didn't want to stop working. But Tony's been great -- he shops for groceries, cooks three nights a week and does his own laundry."

His wife's new focus on career, says Tony, is "no surprise -- she's sharp and I knew she could do anything she wanted to do."

Both Custers say their marriage is stronger than ever, though there are moments, Verna says, when she senses a wistfulness in her husband. "I think he'd like for me to slow down and be with him more." But she has no plans to quit. "I was joking with a coworker last night I might still be doing this at 85," she says. "I'm really happy right where I am."

[via MSN]