The Hard Stuff: "He Needs a Real Job!"

By Karen Karbo

Q: My husband was laid off from his engineering job about five years ago, and hasn't been able to find another one. He's been working as a substitute teacher and is good with special-needs kids, but won't become certified or accept permanent work in this area. When we don't discuss his job hunt, he stops looking. I recently tried to approach him again about getting certified, and he screamed and sobbed. I can barely manage our finances on my teacher's salary, and our kids will need college soon. Any advice? —L.N., 48, Mesa, AZ

A: Sometimes men are a little like horses — you quit kicking them on, and they figure this means it's time to stop and graze. But it isn't your job to kick your husband on. Rather, you need to understand what your financial responsibility is and what his is and proceed accordingly. So sit down and figure out your monthly expenses, including at least 15 (but preferably 20) percent of your salary that will go toward savings.

Whatever amount you arrive at, half is his responsibility, and he's got to figure out how to get it. Maybe he'll push harder to land an engineering job.

Maybe he'll see if he can snag some more substitute-teaching work, or maybe he'll decide that becoming certified is a good idea after all. Maybe a flush relative can float him a loan. If worse comes to worst, they're always hiring at Starbucks. The point is, as long as it's legal, how he decides to solve this problem is up to him. Give him a couple of months to get his ducks in a row, then tell him when you're going to expect his full contribution.

Of course, there's always the possibility that, without telling you, your husband has made the unilateral decision to, um, retire early. If that turns out to be the case, I'd find myself a couples counselor to impress upon him the seriousness of the situation. Money can't buy love, but serious, unresolved conflicts over money can press love to its limits. Your husband needs to know this.

Award-winning writer Karen Karbo is the author of How to Hepburn: Lessons on Living From Kate the Great. She's also a mom, a writing teacher and a horse owner. Send your questions to her at: The Hard Stuff, REDBOOK, 300 W. 57th St., New York, NY 10019 or karenkarbo@redbookmag.com. Letters may be edited for clarity and length, and must include your initials, age, city, and state. For more advice from Karen, go to redbookmag.com/karenkarbo.

Source: MSN