Can a Gift Save Your Broken Relationship? This One Can!

By Beth Banning

Yes that's right, we're talking about a gift that can start improve your relationship immediately. What if we told you that this gift had the power to really affect how you relate to another person? Guess what? There really is such a gift -- the gift of presence! Now, we're not talking about "presents," the kind you give for Christmas or birthdays; the presence that we mean is your personal presence-your full attention with an agenda-free willingness to listen to what the other person has to say. Presence is a gift we could all use on a regular basis.

"If you want to be listened to, you should put in time listening." - Marge Piercy

~How to Present Your Presence~
Before you can truly give someone your presence, you need to take yourself out of the equation. Giving the gift of presence means that you're there for the other person 100%, without thinking about how their words or actions affect you. In other words, when they start to talk about their perception of the situation, you can't take things personally. It helps to remember that everything everyone does or says is in support of something they value. If you choose to give the gift of your presence and in the middle of it you start feeling upset, try to imagine yourself in the other person's shoes and ask yourself the question, "What could I be valuing that would have me say or do this?"

As an example, let's say you ask your relationship partner to tell you what they would like to have in their relationship with you. You ask, "What kinds of things are important to you?" In response, you might hear something like, "You need to stop acting like such a know-it-all."

At this point STOP -- remember that what they just said is NOT about you and don't take it personally.

Believe it or not, your partner just gave you a precious gift wrapped up inside the message, "I want you to stop being such a know-it-all." This message is the key to unlocking a value that is incredibly important to them.

Now you can ask yourself, "I wonder what they value that's missing for them in our relationship?" Doing so allows you to be present to the meaning that is underneath their words. This allows you the opportunity to try and understand what value might prompt them to say such a thing. For example, you might guess that they value acknowledgment and want some appreciation for all the things they know, or maybe they just want the opportunity to contribute more to the relationship. It's even possible that all they really want is a deeper sense of connection with you. Of course, you won't know if your guess is accurate without checking with them first, so take this opportunity to ask them!

If nothing you suggest strikes a chord for your partner, ask them for help in understanding the value beneath the message. The worst thing that could happen is for them to respond with another judgment or criticism, which will give you another opportunity to identify what it is that they really want. If you guess accurately the first time, continue exploring the things that are most important to them.

"The beginning of wisdom is silence. The second step is listening." ~Anonymous

You've probably heard the old Navaho Indian saying: "The best way to get to know a person is to walk a mile in their moccasins." As a general rule, people tend to walk about 2 1/2 miles per hour, so it takes around 24 minutes to walk a mile. Try giving your partner your undivided presence for a half an hour.

During this time spend ZERO minutes defending yourself, being right, educating them, giving them advice, or anything else other than focusing all your attention on the things that they value -- the things that are important to them. Once you can identify the values that drive their actions, you'll find it much easier to understand the reasons behind their words.

The best thing about this special gift is that it doesn't cost a thing and you have a limitless supply. Start giving the gift of presence and see how much you get in return.

Are you ready to give the gift of presence? If you'd like to uncover more techniques that support healthy relationships through self-growth coaching, sign up for our free thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com/cmd.php?ad=317928.

Each tip offers practical advice for creating success in your relationships and in your life.
Or visit us at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com

Is Your Soul Broken?

By Cassandra George Sturges

What is a Broken Soul? Your soul is broken when who you are on the inside, doesn’t match who you are on the outside.

A broken soul is related to how you feel about yourself, your truest, deepest and most honest beliefs; your philosophy about life; your original ideas and sincerest thoughts, feelings, emotions and sense of what is right and wrong. Your soul is who you are when no one is looking; where no one else can see. Your outside persona includes your physical body, spoken and written words, habits, actions and behaviors.

How can a person break their soul?
Every time you lie to yourself, go against your own sense of fairness, compassion and integrity; fail to follow your dreams and utilize your gifts and talents, hurt someone you love consciously or unconsciously you detach the spiritual bond between your body and your soul. When you believe in one thing and you act and behave in an opposite manner, you become an empty vessel, a shell, a person without substance. Your physical body is alive, but it is hollow and vacant because it lacks integrity and meaning. Many of today’s young celebrities such as Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears, Nicole Richie and even the late Anna Nicole Smith may have broken souls. These young, wealthy, physically beautiful women have the outside appearance of prosperity, but their actions and behaviors do not exemplify inner peace.

We live in a culture that tells us that when ever something is ailing us; we can fix it with a psychotropic drug, weight loss or cosmetic surgery. The other portion of society tells us that we need to join organized religious communities. None of these suggestions are wrong depending on the individual’s personality and emotional needs; but it is essential and crucial that each person learn to take an honest look within them selves to determine if they are doing everything within their own power to their best of their ability to promote health, wealth, peace, love and happiness in their own lives.

The only way that you can re-attach your soul to your body is by aligning your thoughts, words and actions into one being.

Is a broken soul similar to a broken heart?
A broken heart can cause a broken soul when you continue to repeat the patterns that caused your heart to break. For example, continuing to pick the same type of guy without looking within yourself to analyze why you are attracted to certain types of men. However, a broken soul does not typically lead to broken heart because it is impossible to deeply care about others when you don’t truly know, love or care about yourself.

Examples of Broken Souls

Scenario A Fidelity

1. Beliefs, personal moral code of right & wrong, honest emotions / feelings You believe in fidelity. You want to be in a relationship with a person whom you can trust.

2. Words, what you tell others orally or in writing. You make a vow to be faithful. You tell your mate that you are faithful.

3. Actions, behaviors, habits- What you do You cheat on your mate.

Scenario B Education

1. Beliefs, personal moral code of right & wrong, honest emotions / feelings

You believe that education is important. You have always wanted to practice law.

2. Words, what you tell others orally or in writing.

You tell everyone that you are going back to school to earn your degree.

3. Actions, behaviors, habits- What you do You watch television and hang out with friends in the evenings. You picked up an application once, but never filled it out.

Scenario C Following your Dreams

1. Beliefs, personal moral code of right & wrong, honest emotions / feelings You feel happiest when you are singing, dancing or involved in any type of performance. You love music with every cell of your heart, mind and body. People tell you that you are talented and gifted as a singer.

2. Words, what you tell others orally or in writing. To impress your parents, teachers and naysayers, you tell everyone that you are going to college to be a doctor.

3. Actions, behaviors, habits- What you do You are enrolled in a pre-med program. You try to ignore the pain in your stomach, your headaches and the deep misery that you feel inside. You rationalize your unhappiness by telling yourself that doctors make good money and your family will be so proud of you.

Scenario D Being true to yourself
1. Beliefs, personal moral code of right & wrong, honest emotions / feelings

You love to write.

2. Words, what you tell others orally or in writing.

You tell every one about the book you are going to write some day.

3. Actions, behaviors, habits- What you do You never write because you are tired when you get home from work and exhausted from the daily demands of taking care of your family.

Scenario E Being true to yourself

1. Beliefs, personal moral code of right & wrong, honest emotions / feelings

You want to lose weight to improve your health.


2. Words, what you tell others orally or in writing.

You tell every one that you are on a diet.

3. Actions, behaviors, habits- What you do You don’t exercise. You make unhealthy food choices.

Scenario F Having Faith
1. Beliefs, personal moral code of right & wrong, honest emotions / feelings In your heart and spirit, you believe in God, a Superior Being or a Higher Power bigger than yourself. You feel that your deepest dreams, desires, wants and needs will manifest in your life.

2. Words, what you tell others orally or in writing. You tell everyone about your amazing faith, trust and belief in God or a Higher Power. You tell other people to have faith and believe.

3. Actions, behaviors, habits- What you do You cry yourself to sleep each night because you are worried about your bills being paid and how you are going to provide for your family. You haven’t looked for a new job, or started your own business because people say, “the economy is bad.”

If you do an honest assessment of what is really bothering you and all of the things that you can start doing at this very moment to change your life, you will begin to heal your soul. Guaranteed.

10 Signs of a Broken Soul

1. You have a drinking or substance abuse problem.

2. You have been depressed for more than 6 weeks

3. You feel no enjoyment for life.

4. You are in a sexually, physically or psychologically abusive relationship.

5. You are actively involved in criminal or illegal activity.

6. You have reoccurring suicidal thoughts

7. You have an eating disorder

8. You are abusing someone else physically, psychologically or sexually.

9. You are not doing anything productive with your time.

10. You constantly complain about hating yourself or your life.

Techniques to heal a Broken Soul

1. Validate yourself. Start exactly where you are. Call your self beautiful. Start your business. Do not seek external validation from any one.

2. Go on a journey of self-exploration. What is your favorite color, food, song, movie, day of the week, holiday. Everything that you love is a clue to the mystery of who you are. The things that you love are internal pieces that create the external picture of who you are.

3. Forgive everything and everybody. No exceptions.

4. Practice random acts of kindness. Put a dime in an expired parking meter. Pay for someone’s breakfast, dinner or lunch without revealing yourself. Put toilet paper in a public restroom for the next person. Shovel someone’s snow or rake their leaves without them knowing who did it.
Leave a tip on some else’s table. Find unique ways to put a smile on other people’s faces. Their smiles will make you smile.

5. Ask for forgiveness—it doesn’t matter if they accept your apology. This gives them the opportunity to heal when they are ready. Forgive yourself for past mistakes.

6. Write a letter of forgiveness to yourself. Read the self-forgiveness letter to yourself each night until you are able to let go. You can’t forgive yourself until you are emotionally ready to forgive yourself.

7. Give yourself 6 months to make one change. Don’t try to change too many things about yourself at one time; this is overwhelming. If you try to stop smoking, don’t include losing 50 lbs, and find a cure for cancer. Take it slow and steady.

8. Watch Shawshank Redemption, the Pursuit of Happyness or any other movie that gives you hope.

9. Find one thing that you absolutely love about yourself and think about it once a day, all day long.

Cassandra George Sturges MA, MA, Psy.D is a mother of two teenagers, a full-time psychology instructor, advice columnists for Today's Black Woman Magazine, Seminar facilitator, author of "A Woman's Soul on Paper" ISBN: 0595171435. Dr. Sturges is the author and publisher of Authentik Beauty Magazine. A 1 year subscription to Authentik Beauty Magazine is only $49.99 for 6 issues; mail request to: Authentik Beauty Magazine, P.O. Box 980679, Ypsilanti, MI 48197.
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