Post-divorce love resolutions

By Nina Malkin

When the ball drops this New Year’s Eve, let it be a signal for getting on with your social life. Make it official by adopting these promises to yourself—they’ll help you gain confidence, attract others and bring romance and connection into your life.

1. “I will rethink my relationship criteria.”
Most people seek specific qualities in a partner and that’s fine, but it’s also important to heed how you want to feel when you’re involved with someone. “Turn the focus inward and explore how you want to feel as opposed to what you want,” says relationship and divorce coach Debbie Ford, author of Spiritual Divorce. “Happiness is too broad a statement—refine it.” Do you want to feel safe? Respected? Excited? Challenged? Devote adequate time and energy to your search—it’s too important a process to do while multitasking. Go through magazines and cut out images that evoke the emotional state you’re going for.

2. “I will enhance my appearance.”
It needn’t be a major transformation. Even a subtle tweak renews your commitment to and interest in yourself—that in itself makes you attractive to others. Get a new haircut, update your wardrobe, drop a few pounds or amp up your level of fitness. It’s not just about looking more attractive to potential dates: “You’ll feel like a million and project a more confident attitude,” says certified life coach and relationship expert Amy Schoen of HeartmindConnection.com. While you’re at it, go beyond the physical—develop your mind and soul with classes, reading, workshops, etc.

3. “I will date different types.”
“Keep an open mind, and don’t rule out certain demographic criteria, such as age and occupation,” says Joan Allen, author of Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate, who speaks from personal experience. “When I met my boyfriend four years ago, I mentally rejected him at first because he doesn’t have a college degree, and I have a master’s. I decided to give him a chance, and I’ve learned an enormous amount from him.” Some other ways to date different types: Open up your age range to date at least seven years younger and older than you’d originally think. Go out with someone of another race or religion or of a physical type unlike your ex. Bring this approach to Internet romance, too, urges Erika Moore, co-founder of the online dating advice site www.RomanceLanguage.org. “Read the profile of each person who contacts you, even if you’re not immediately jazzed by the photo,” Moore says. Someone who’s not your type at first glance might prove to be exactly your type once you read that profile.

4. “I will explore various dating venues.”
Everyone romanticizes the concept of “meeting cute” over a toppling pyramid of apples in the grocery store. Good luck with that—so be sure to also open your options. Maybe it’s online dating, singles’ cruises, or good old blind dates. “You’ll meet people who would never have crossed your path otherwise,” says Schoen.

5. “I won’t be embarrassed by wanting love.”
Sometimes the newly divorced think they should be “over” relationships. And it is important to take enough time to heal, grow, and enjoy your own company. But the desire for a loving relationship is as basic as it is beautiful. “It shouldn’t be a stigma just because your former marriage didn’t last,” says Ford. Reach out to others—ask friends if they know interesting singles; tell them you want to be fixed up.

6. “I will not trash my ex or discuss dirty divorce details on my dates.”
There’s a natural impulse to do so, according to Ford: “It’s an unconscious way of trying to attain release and resolution — plus, you’re probably nervous about the date — so you pour out your history. But you’re programming this person with negativity about yourself.” Rather than TMI him/her to death, exorcise your ex pre-date—by writing in your journal or having a head-clearing conversation with a trusted friend. Then you can go out and concentrate on what you really want to talk about.

7. “I will do what I love.”
Rediscover the activities you once enjoyed and put aside during your marriage. Or try something new that intrigues you now. “Dive into your hobbies and interests and have fun,” says Carolyn B. Ellis, the coach and counselor behind www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com and author of The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive After Divorce. “As a bonus you might meet someone with similar passions who could be dating material.”

8. “I will date emotionally healthy people.”
Nobody’s perfect and everyone has baggage, but choose to welcome the responsible, self-sufficient and emotionally healthy into your life. “Creating your life after divorce will take your energy, so don’t let it be drained by taking on any relationships that present huge challenges,” says Ellis.

9. “I will be solid in my new relationship before I involve my children.”
Kids, as you know, go through divorce, too. “It’s great for your children to know you have a personal life and that they are not responsible for your happiness, but they are still dealing with the divorce, so giving them a play-by-play of your dating life is inadvisable,” says Ellis. In fact, you don’t want them to meet your dates (and get attached to anyone you’re seeing) until you know you’re in a relationship that is established and committed.

10. “I will create an amazing online profile.”
If you’re new to online dating, start out right. “Create a profile that’s appealing, readable, and upbeat with a current, flattering, smiling photo,” says Moore. “Invent a memorable user name, write an attention-grabbing headline, tell an amusing story.” Remember to update your profile and picture from time to time. The newly divorced are in the process of growing and changing; your profile should reflect this.

11. “I will adopt a ‘no bad dates!’ policy.”
Does the woman you invited out find it necessary to check email and answer phone calls throughout your rendezvous? Is the guy you’re just not clicking with trying to convince you to see him again because he makes a lot of money and can take you to incredible places? “Make an inner commitment to not tolerate anything but excellence,” says Ford. “Promise yourself that you’ll meet fun people and have great dates.” If someone is (for whatever reason) not up to snuff, be gently frank, as in: “I really enjoyed meeting you, but I just don’t think we’re a match.”

12. “I will make at least one new platonic friend this year.”
It may not seem like a direct route to romance, but odds are your new friend will enrich your life… and will have fascinating, attractive single friends, too. Schoen suggests joining a support group with other divorced individuals. “You’ll bond with others who are experiencing many of the same things you are,” she says. It’s a ready-made support group. And as you get your dating “sea legs” back, it may be just what you need in the year ahead.

Nina Malkin is the author of An Unlikely Cat Lady: Feral Adventures in the Backyard Jungle.

Source : MSN