Self Esteem Or Selfish Steam?

By Michelle Rigg

Self-esteem. Entitlement. We hear these terms batted about a lot these days. Especially when it comes to our kids. Everyone from parents to teachers to elected officials is terrified of rupturing our children's delicate sense of self. And what has been the result?

We seem to have created a generation of children who:

• Are poor at accepting constructive criticism
• Don't believe they need to change and grow
• Have difficulty with the word "no"
• Have an inflated, unrealistic sense of their own talents
• Feel entitled to frequent rewards and recognition
• Have little sense of what it means to make an authentic contribution
• Have little desire to push themselves beyond their comfort zones
• Are very defensive and feel "I'm fine just the way I am"

Let's be clear about one thing: self-esteem - an unshakable sense of our own basic worth - is a critically important ingredient for healthy development. But what went awry? Why is that with all of our efforts to raise children with high self-esteem, we seem to have done exactly the opposite? How is it that we have created, instead, a generation of children (often referred to as "Generation Y") who live in protected, delusional bubbles? Why is there so much talk about an "entitlement epidemic"?

It's all about Pain
The problem stems from a fundamental misunderstanding of pain - OUR misunderstanding, not our kids'.

Many (most?) of us were raised with shame. When we did something "wrong" or failed to meet expectations, we were devalued. We may even have been insulted outright, called names. We were given the message that there was something wrong or unworthy about us. As a result we became emotionally wounded. We don't want to do the same thing to our kids. So we overcompensate by shielding them from pain.

But, in fact, pain and shame are two different things. It's WE who have been unable to disentangle them.

When we hear the word "no," when we see a "C-" instead of an "A+," when we look at a losing score in a ball game, we equate it with shame because of the way we were raised. And so, in an effort to spare our children from being wounded, we try to shield them from pain. But pain is not what we should be worried about; only shame.

Because we don't get that distinction, we shield our kids from reality. We shield them from truth. We would rather lie to our kids than allow them to experience their own wonderful, invaluable and instructive pain!

What are some ways we shield our kids?

• By telling them their work is "amazing," even if it shows little effort or mastery
• By eliminating most forms of grading or performance measurement
• By giving prizes and awards to every child in order to spare anyone from being branded a "loser"
• By removing evaluative language from the classroom, dance floor and ball field
• By failing to correct flaws in our children's performance in sports, the arts, or recreational skills
• By faulting the teacher if our child receives less than perfect evaluations
• By giving "everyone a chance" to play or perform even if they have not earned it

And on and on...

Here is a funny poem about the subject

Selfish Steam (by Andy Wolfendon)
I don't know what it is for sure, this thing called Selfish Steam,I do know that protecting it is the latest grown-up scheme.

"You mustn't tell the boy he failed his weekly spelling test.You mustn't break the news, his pitching's not the nation's best.You mustn't tell the girl she's not the champ, you'll squash her dream.In fact, don't tell kids anything - you'll crush their Selfish Steam."

"No, when we hold a contest we'll give EVERY kid a prize,We'll hand some handsome trophies out to EVERYONE who tries,And when they run a race we'll say that EVERYONE's the winner,Then EVERYONE can be the best, from expert to beginner.And when kids draw a picture, we'll declare it ULTRA-GREAT!Whether it's the Mona Lisa or a figure eight."

But if I get a trophy even when I haven't scored,And every effort, good or bad, receives the same reward,Why should I try? Why do my best? And here's what I can't see - If EVERYBODY's special, what's so special about ME?

When I grow up, is there a crop of which I'll be the cream?I probably won't know much, but I'll have tons of Selfish Steam!

Pain is our FRIEND
The truth is that by shielding our kids from discomfort, embarrassment, criticism, judgment, disappointment - from pain, in all its guises - we deprive them of a crucial opportunity to grow!

Pain is one of life's greatest teachers. Pain is an ally, not an enemy. Pain is a signal that we have come up against a limitation that needs to be transcended. Without that signal making us uncomfortable, we don't transcend. We don't rise. We don't become better than we were yesterday. We stay stuck.

Today's parenting model is all about allowing children to stay stuck and feel good about it, rather than to grow.

Humans do not grow by avoiding pain, but by taking it on, pushing past it, rising above it. As parents, we need to get that. We need to embrace it.

Two Simple Solutions
If parents want to end the false self-esteem/entitlement epidemic, the solution is simple:

1. They must get complete with their OWN pasts. Parents need to heal their own wounds, rather than run away from them. They need to stop living through their children and become whole and complete unto themselves. Only by doing this will they stop pampering their children (who really don't need pampering at all).

2. They must teach their children to be lovers of TRUTH. Parents must encourage their kids to love the truth, even when it stings. The truth is, not everyone can be a major league pitcher, a famous recording artist, or a movie star. Only by letting kids experience the hurt of discovering what they're NOT good at will they discover what they ARE good at (their true and precious design).

Parents have a crucial choice: they can either avoid discomfort and enable their kids to avoid it, OR they can tackle it with gusto, viewing it as a teacher, a gift, a motivator.

It's NOT a question of love

Parents today are not inadequate, nor do we lack in love for our kids. We do love our kids and we are doing our very best, given the way we were raised. It's a matter of results: the results we're getting are not good. We need to correct our approach. We're harming our kids by depriving them of experiencing discomfort and truth, life's greatest teachers.

Pain can be faced with tact, grace and wisdom, in a way that does not insult, devalue or negate anyone. And that's what we, as parents, must start doing!

Copyright 2007 - Michelle Rigg

Personal power expert Michelle Rigg is the author of You Must Be OUT of YOUR MIND: A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating More Power in Your Life. Her clients usually see remarkable improvements in income, relationships, communication, focus, and clarity after completing just one workshop or telephone laser session. For a FREE 5-step course that will supercharge your personal power, visit http://www.createpersonalpower.com.

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Self Esteem And Physical Activity

By Lyca Edson Shan

Self-esteem and physical activity go hand in hand. Our physiology and state of mind affect each other on an on-going basis. Physical activity is a very important part of developing higher self-esteem. It gives you a sense of control in your life and generates good hormones that help you develop your mental immune system as well.

One of the most intense experiences in my life was doing an actual fire walk. This is a good example of self-esteem and physical activity working together. So here I would like to share that with you though an excerpt from my book "Firewalker."

The Fire Walk: "Think all things possible, and they become so. Only in the barren earth of disbelief, does our life lay fallow..." "Red sparks circled their way up towards the night sky, dancing an odd tempo to the music. Then the clapping began, at first slowly, in rhythm, then faster and faster. The air, fraught with emotion, felt oddly alive. Wheelbarrows of glowing coals were pushed from the fire pits. Crewmembers in black t-shirts carefully moved through the crowd, shoveling the hot embers onto the ground in long rows. The heat pressed upwards and the smell of wood smoke filled the air. I found myself quickly at the front of the line. Nothing but an overwhelming sense of strength flooded through my mind. The red coals spread out in front of me, vibrant in the darkness; I could feel their heat on my face. I stood, feet firmly planted on the ground, and brought my fist down to meet my open palm. I had practiced this move, imagining walls falling before me, oceans parting, and all the power of existence drawing into me in that one moment. A lightness of being filled me, as if I could float over the very earth itself.
"Cool moss..." I chanted the mantra aloud as I stepped forward with long, purposeful strides, eyes skyward. My feet hit the coals and I felt as if I were walking on a pathway of crushed velvet. It pressed softly up under my feet, barely warm to the touch. By the time I reached the end it had happened all too quickly. At that moment I became all that existed. Enveloped by the light of the fire-walk, the night sky bore silent witness to the stirring of my spirit. "Firewalker" the word lingered in my mind, mine and not mine. Every door lay unhinged and every path lay open. All that had ever held me back now seemed a dim shadow in a distant land."

This was a very physical experience that helped me rediscover that powerful part of my creativity that can perceive the limitless possibilities around us at all times.

Lyca Shan is the founder of Firewalker Enterprises. A passionate author and speaker she focuses on helping others overcome their experiences of hardship and trauma by delivering the message that Every person is born with the inner strength to rise above their individual circumstances and find happiness within themselves despite their environment.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lyca_Edson_Shan