Self Esteem Or Selfish Steam?

By Michelle Rigg

Self-esteem. Entitlement. We hear these terms batted about a lot these days. Especially when it comes to our kids. Everyone from parents to teachers to elected officials is terrified of rupturing our children's delicate sense of self. And what has been the result?

We seem to have created a generation of children who:

• Are poor at accepting constructive criticism
• Don't believe they need to change and grow
• Have difficulty with the word "no"
• Have an inflated, unrealistic sense of their own talents
• Feel entitled to frequent rewards and recognition
• Have little sense of what it means to make an authentic contribution
• Have little desire to push themselves beyond their comfort zones
• Are very defensive and feel "I'm fine just the way I am"

Let's be clear about one thing: self-esteem - an unshakable sense of our own basic worth - is a critically important ingredient for healthy development. But what went awry? Why is that with all of our efforts to raise children with high self-esteem, we seem to have done exactly the opposite? How is it that we have created, instead, a generation of children (often referred to as "Generation Y") who live in protected, delusional bubbles? Why is there so much talk about an "entitlement epidemic"?

It's all about Pain
The problem stems from a fundamental misunderstanding of pain - OUR misunderstanding, not our kids'.

Many (most?) of us were raised with shame. When we did something "wrong" or failed to meet expectations, we were devalued. We may even have been insulted outright, called names. We were given the message that there was something wrong or unworthy about us. As a result we became emotionally wounded. We don't want to do the same thing to our kids. So we overcompensate by shielding them from pain.

But, in fact, pain and shame are two different things. It's WE who have been unable to disentangle them.

When we hear the word "no," when we see a "C-" instead of an "A+," when we look at a losing score in a ball game, we equate it with shame because of the way we were raised. And so, in an effort to spare our children from being wounded, we try to shield them from pain. But pain is not what we should be worried about; only shame.

Because we don't get that distinction, we shield our kids from reality. We shield them from truth. We would rather lie to our kids than allow them to experience their own wonderful, invaluable and instructive pain!

What are some ways we shield our kids?

• By telling them their work is "amazing," even if it shows little effort or mastery
• By eliminating most forms of grading or performance measurement
• By giving prizes and awards to every child in order to spare anyone from being branded a "loser"
• By removing evaluative language from the classroom, dance floor and ball field
• By failing to correct flaws in our children's performance in sports, the arts, or recreational skills
• By faulting the teacher if our child receives less than perfect evaluations
• By giving "everyone a chance" to play or perform even if they have not earned it

And on and on...

Here is a funny poem about the subject

Selfish Steam (by Andy Wolfendon)
I don't know what it is for sure, this thing called Selfish Steam,I do know that protecting it is the latest grown-up scheme.

"You mustn't tell the boy he failed his weekly spelling test.You mustn't break the news, his pitching's not the nation's best.You mustn't tell the girl she's not the champ, you'll squash her dream.In fact, don't tell kids anything - you'll crush their Selfish Steam."

"No, when we hold a contest we'll give EVERY kid a prize,We'll hand some handsome trophies out to EVERYONE who tries,And when they run a race we'll say that EVERYONE's the winner,Then EVERYONE can be the best, from expert to beginner.And when kids draw a picture, we'll declare it ULTRA-GREAT!Whether it's the Mona Lisa or a figure eight."

But if I get a trophy even when I haven't scored,And every effort, good or bad, receives the same reward,Why should I try? Why do my best? And here's what I can't see - If EVERYBODY's special, what's so special about ME?

When I grow up, is there a crop of which I'll be the cream?I probably won't know much, but I'll have tons of Selfish Steam!

Pain is our FRIEND
The truth is that by shielding our kids from discomfort, embarrassment, criticism, judgment, disappointment - from pain, in all its guises - we deprive them of a crucial opportunity to grow!

Pain is one of life's greatest teachers. Pain is an ally, not an enemy. Pain is a signal that we have come up against a limitation that needs to be transcended. Without that signal making us uncomfortable, we don't transcend. We don't rise. We don't become better than we were yesterday. We stay stuck.

Today's parenting model is all about allowing children to stay stuck and feel good about it, rather than to grow.

Humans do not grow by avoiding pain, but by taking it on, pushing past it, rising above it. As parents, we need to get that. We need to embrace it.

Two Simple Solutions
If parents want to end the false self-esteem/entitlement epidemic, the solution is simple:

1. They must get complete with their OWN pasts. Parents need to heal their own wounds, rather than run away from them. They need to stop living through their children and become whole and complete unto themselves. Only by doing this will they stop pampering their children (who really don't need pampering at all).

2. They must teach their children to be lovers of TRUTH. Parents must encourage their kids to love the truth, even when it stings. The truth is, not everyone can be a major league pitcher, a famous recording artist, or a movie star. Only by letting kids experience the hurt of discovering what they're NOT good at will they discover what they ARE good at (their true and precious design).

Parents have a crucial choice: they can either avoid discomfort and enable their kids to avoid it, OR they can tackle it with gusto, viewing it as a teacher, a gift, a motivator.

It's NOT a question of love

Parents today are not inadequate, nor do we lack in love for our kids. We do love our kids and we are doing our very best, given the way we were raised. It's a matter of results: the results we're getting are not good. We need to correct our approach. We're harming our kids by depriving them of experiencing discomfort and truth, life's greatest teachers.

Pain can be faced with tact, grace and wisdom, in a way that does not insult, devalue or negate anyone. And that's what we, as parents, must start doing!

Copyright 2007 - Michelle Rigg

Personal power expert Michelle Rigg is the author of You Must Be OUT of YOUR MIND: A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating More Power in Your Life. Her clients usually see remarkable improvements in income, relationships, communication, focus, and clarity after completing just one workshop or telephone laser session. For a FREE 5-step course that will supercharge your personal power, visit http://www.createpersonalpower.com.

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Steam Model Trains - A Blast From The Past

By David Faulkner

Trains were the first viable form of transport to hit America, especially after the Civil War. Few people today actually know about their roots and do not much care, apart from railroad model enthusiasts that is. They are fully aware of the significance of steam trains and that is why many of them today have steam model trains. The steam train enabled man to travel across America and allowed goods and services to find their way to the west coast. They were only available in the east up until that point. Steam trains were powered by coal. The burning coal produced steam, which was then converted into kinetic energy to propel the train forward. Steam model trains paid homage to these earlier marvels of technology.

It was only after the Second World War that they were actually replaced by the electric powered trains that we have today. One of the major reasons that steam locomotives were popularly replaced by electricity is that they were much slower and less efficient so ticket fares were much higher than they were after electricity trains took centre stage. Steam locomotives were completely gone by the 1970s and were sorely missed. They soon had a nostalgic following that demanded their return. As a result, the steam model trains were perfect to appease those enthusiasts with because they could still get a taste of the past, but in the comfort of their own homes!

There are many manufacturers that offer replicas of steam model trains now because they are proving to be so popular at the moment. Most model railroad enthusiasts will have at least one in their collection to remember the days gone by fondly. They are classic in every way and look extremely stylish. Steam model trains can really enhance your model railroad experience and it is a small price to pay to get hold of one for your collection. There is a real market for the steam model train. They are much sought after by collectors and individuals will often fight over limited edition ones.

You can get hold of a steam model train as part of a set or starter kit but these are much more expensive that regular starter kits. They will cost you no matter how you buy them though so if you are a beginner it would probably be better to purchase one in this form than on its own.

Steam model train enthusiasts are spread out all over the globe and will wax lyrical about them. They do have a little something that other model trains lack. Every collector should have a steam model train, if only to remember the past and how technology has advanced transport in recent years. Once you set your steam model train in motion though, you will realise just how addictive they are!

You can also find more info on Model Railroad Software and Model Railroad Supplies.
Modelrailroadshelp.com is a comprehensive resource to know more about model rail roads.