Relationships - Where Did the Love Go?

By Susan Derry

It seems safe to assume that most marriages do not begin with divorce as their goal. For the most part, those who chose to marry are very much “in love.” Yet way too often, months or years down the line, many couples find themselves wondering where their loving feelings have gone. They just can’t seem to find them anymore. She no longer feels attracted to him or he no longer feels attracted to her.

What went wrong?

You may have heard the song, “Love Hurts” and the reality is that this is only too true. We inevitably hurt the ones we love at one time or another, usually and hopefully unintentionally. But intentions do not make the hurt any less painful.

When we hurt each other a common human response is to withdraw and withhold. We may withdraw and start building a little wall to protect ourselves from getting hurt again. We may begin to withhold a part of our affection for our partner, since we don’t feel they are particularly deserving of our love. The problem is that when we do what comes naturally we create a gulf between us and loving feelings can start to fade.

Chances are that couples with strong, loving relationships also hurt each other at times. Yet somehow they weather these stormy grounds with their relationship intact. What can we learn from these couples? There are differences in their attitudes and approach to their relationship, which make it possible for them to get past hurts and disappointments.

Attitudes of Lasting Couples

Valuing Each Other and Their Relationship
They consistently pay attention and communicate with each other. First of all this means that they will be aware of hurting the other and it also means that they can learn something from the experience. This greatly reduces the accumulation of resentment in the relationship and reduces the chance of those resentments later exploding all over everyone.

Unselfishness
They think more of their partner than they do of themselves. In other words they are more concerned with, “What am I doing to make my marriage work?” than they are with, “What am I getting out of my marriage?” This unselfish attitude makes them more willing to apologize and find ways to make things work for both. There is far less blame throwing and much more cooperation.

Vulnerability
They work things out rather than withdrawing and withholding. They allow themselves to remain vulnerable with each other and build bonds of trust. They understand that although they may be frustrated with each other, working it out is more important than getting even.

Respect

They always treat each other with respect and consistently allow the other to retain their dignity. They build each other up rather than tear each other down. They can express frustration and criticism without resorting to name calling or belittling. They attack the problem rather than attacking their partner.

The absence of these four important attitudes will lead to a loss of love. Taking each other for granted, being disrespect, selfish, and guarded will gradually drain the loving feelings from even the best relationship.

Susan DerryProfessional Counselor & Life CoachCo-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course. Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine