12 Resolutions for a Great Sex Life

We show you how to get in touch with your sexier (and happier!) self so you can have passionate sex every day of the year.
By Michele Bender

As far as New Year's resolutions go, "Get a better sex life" probably falls way down on the list, after "Lose weight," "Exercise more" and "Eat leafy greens." But the truth is, sex is healthy, too — for you and for your marriage. (Plus, working on it is a lot more enjoyable than counting calories.) So this January, take charge of your sex life by following these fun resolutions — we guarantee they'll lead to exciting and satisfying trysts and take your sex life to a whole new level.

Resolution #1: Vow to focus on what you like in bed.
"The number one key to greater pleasure is knowing what turns you on," says Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., a sex therapist and author of Sex Talk. You probably have some ideas already, but if you — and your husband — are relying on the same old techniques, it's time to find out what else hits your hot buttons. Experiment when you're alone: Think about what has aroused you in the past or about the things you wish your husband would do when the two of you are under the covers. Do you hear yourself thinking, "I wish he'd touch my neck or breasts?" If so, fill him in the next time you are getting snuggly. "Knowing what revs you up in bed is a gift you can give yourself — and him," says Zoldbrod.

Resolution #2: Commit to staying in touch with your sensual side.
You may barely remember those early days in your romance when you actually spent time picking out your bedwear, but chances are your dresser was filled with things a heck of a lot sexier than ratty T-shirts and flannel PJs. "Women need more preparation for lovemaking than men do, and part of that is making yourself feel beautiful," says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist and author of The Idiot's Guide to Oral Sex. "You're more likely to be interested in sex and initiate it if you're wearing something sexy." So hit the lingerie store — and while you're at it, pick up some perfumed body oil, silk sheets or a few scented candles. (Go for licorice or cucumber scents; research shows both increase arousal in women.) "Keeping all your senses stimulated all the time makes you more willing and able to really experience the complete pleasure of sex," says Cadell.


Resolution #3: Remind yourself to reach out and touch him — every day.
We know, sometimes a week goes by when physical contact with your husband amounts to squeezing past him to get to the bathroom sink. Considering that it's harder for women to jump into sex without day-to-day touching, this can put a real damper on intimacy. So make a point to rub his shoulders, hold hands while watching TV or simply give him a hug when you get home. A recent University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill study found that frequent hugging boosts a woman's level of oxytocin, a hormone that makes you feel closer to your mate. Kissing on the lips at least once a day is another good way to keep the passion simmering. Once you start reaching out more, you and your hubby will feel more loved and connected, and, trust us, sparks will fly.

Resolution #4: Stop mentally drafting your to-do list during sex.
Juggling work, family and friends leaves you with a lot to think about — sometimes even when you're making love. "This is a big problem for women. They are more easily distracted from sex than men," says Zoldbrod. And unlike men, women's arousal levels tend to fluctuate and can drop quickly. That means if you're turned on and start thinking about the dry cleaning you forgot, it can ruin the moment, just like that. To keep yourself from drifting off during sex, banish distractions. Once a week, jot down your to-do list and discuss any concerns you have about your family, work or other issues with your husband — before you slip between the sheets. Then when it's time for sex, you can really focus and enjoy it.

Resolution #5: Get yourself some (or some more!) grown-up toys.
Experts say that variety, novelty and fun are all keys to keeping sex hot. A good sex toy provides all of the above and can help you and your husband live out your sexual fantasies. There's a wide range of products to choose from, so start with what you're comfortable with. For beginners, vibrators that don't look phallic, such as the Pocket Rocket, tend to be less intimidating. If you already own the basics and are ready for more advanced toys, try a vibrator that stimulates both your clitoris and your G-spot. Or get something that's made for both of you, such as the Jelly Tool Belt — a dual penis ring that has a vibrator in it to stimulate you. If you're not sure how to bring up the idea of experimenting, here are two ways: (1) Surprise your husband with some edible massage lotion (the Pure Romance line is a good choice) to spur a conversation — say, "Do you like this? Does it feel good?" (2) Make shopping a task you do together at a store, with a catalog or online. Some good, discreet Websites are Adameve.com, Mypleasure.com and Babeland.com.

Resolution #6: Vow to speak up if something is not working for you.
We've all been there: You let your guy do something he thinks is an incredible turn-on, and all the while you're lying there wondering when he'll be finished. Women often do this — or even fake pleasure — because they're either too embarrassed to speak up or afraid to criticize their partner. But if he keeps doing the wrong thing, you'll be left dissatisfied again and again. Next time, clue him in — gently. Cadell advises that instead of saying, "You never do X" or "I don't like it when you do Y" — which come off as negative — try, "I like it when you gently massage my breasts instead of squeezing them." This way he won't feel rejected, and you'll get the caressing you crave.

Resolution #7: And also commit yourself to speaking up if something is working for you.
If the sex is good, why bother talking about it, right? Wrong. Sex experts agree that telling your husband how much you love what he does perfectly in bed is as important as telling him what isn't working. So moan when he zeroes in on a pleasure zone and compliment him later on, too. But be sure to provide details. For instance, say, "It felt amazing when you kissed my stomach and thighs." He'll be so happy to know he had the magic touch that he'll be excited to do a repeat performance. If that's not the recipe for a great sex life, we don't know what is!

Resolution #8: Keep the kids from spending every night in bed with you.
It's understandable why you want to bring your young children to bed — it's often the only way you all can get some sleep. But the math is simple: Two parents plus one child in bed equals zero sex. Try this instead: Enforce a "no kids in bed" rule (unless, say, they're sick) and ask your husband to take turns with you getting up when your child starts crying in the middle of the night. This way, you two can do more than just sleep.

Resolution #9: Decide it's okay to let Dora and the Wiggles do the babysitting.
No one is suggesting you plant the tots in front of the tube for hours on end. But the truth is, there are times — say, Sunday mornings — when popping in the kids' favorite DVD is the only way to get some lovin'. And, trust us, a little extra TV time isn't going to hurt your child as much as some much-needed couple-time is going to help your relationship.

Resolution #10: Have sex (sometimes) when you're not in the mood.
Like most women, you probably have nights when sex is the last thing on your mind, and you'd give anything to sprawl out and get eight hours of shut-eye. But then your husband gives the signal that he's ready for some nooky. What to do? Well, going along with the idea can actually be a titillating surprise for you. "If he knows how to push your buttons, then having sex when your husband is ready and you're not means it's very likely you'll get aroused once you get going," says Zoldbrod. It can also give you and your husband a boost outside of the bedroom. A recent study by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that sex plays a major role in a person's happiness. Don't think of it as giving in to him, think of it as giving in to pleasure.

Resolution #11: Use the birth control that's right for you. Trying to get pregnant? Then spontaneous sex isn't a problem. But if you're not planning to expand your family this month, getting comfortable with your birth control is key to letting loose during sex. "I've seen this make a huge difference in the sex lives of so many women," says Zoldbrod. Diaphragms and condoms are fine, but spur-of-the-moment sex is tricky when you have to fumble around in the dark for them at a pivotal moment. Other options, such as the Pill or a patch, can give you more freedom whenever you and your husband are raring to go. Talk to your doctor about the most effective — and carefree — method for you.

Resolution #12: Break out of your routine. Every couple has a tried-and-true method for getting in the mood. But let's be honest — the same old thing can get a bit boring. So mix things up. Even small tweaks can increase the passion in your marriage. Have sex in a different room of the house, make out in the car, take a bath together, spend more than five minutes on foreplay or "exchange three wishes that you want in bed," suggests Cadell. "That way you're playing a game — and a give-give scenario is always a success."

Another tactic: Do things that you and your husband did together in the days before you had children. Shared experiences — such as dancing, going to the gym together or taking a romantic stroll — help you two connect emotionally and see each other as more than simply Mom and Dad. "You're reminded of those butterflies-in-your-stomach early days," says Zoldbrod. "Then you hold hands and, chances are, you come home to have some great sex."