“I hate my guy’s friends!”

By Julie Weingarden Dubin

I’ll never forget the guy I dated whose three best friends were like a group of seventh-grade (mean) girls. His pals needed to “approve” me, gossiped way too much and spent more on clothes and hair products than I did. Ick. I just couldn’t get past his high-maintenance trio.

We’ve all been there: Great-seeming guys, nightmare friends. How do you know when to deal with his buddies and when to run? We asked psychotherapist and relationship expert Ellen Chute whether each of these types of friends could be tamed:

Hateful Friend #1—The inside jokester
Elizabeth, 32, of Chicago, was on the fence about a guy she’d been dating a few months, but when she met his friends, she knew that she needed to make a break. “The guy was intelligent, but he had low self-esteem,” she says. When she met his friends (who all worked in the same IT department), they didn’t include her in any conversations but instead made weird inside jokes all night. “It was awful,” she says. “His friends seemed to lack the basic social skills necessary to talk to someone they didn’t already know, and I started to see my date was no different.”

How to make nice: First, let your date know you feel left out. Believe it or not, he may not realize you’re not hanging on their every word. Try saying: “Hey, it seems like you guys are really close, but when you tell all those stories about work people, I feel like an outsider.” If he says, “We just get like that when we’re together”—that’s not good. But if he apologies and promises to steer the topic away from inside references to middle-school hijinks, then you know he has a sensitivity chip. And who knows? You may find his friends are actually more socially-evolved once they get talking about mainstream topics like Barack Obama or the post-writer-strike TV options.

Hateful Friend #2—The Vince Vaughn type
This is the guy who — like the characters Vince Vaughn inevitably plays — tries to convince your date that women are balls and chains and he’s better off without you. Briana, 31, of Los Angeles, can relate. She fell in love with her boyfriend right away, but loathed his best friend. He constantly put her down and tried to persuade her boyfriend to give Briana the boot. But she wasn’t going to let one jerk scare her away from a great guy. So she decided to be the bigger person and reach out to his friend. “When I needed to book a speaker for work, I called him, and he hooked me up with someone,” she says. “He was great and made me shine at work—and I made him shine.” He ended up apologizing and telling Briana he had her pegged all wrong. “I think he gained respect for me when he saw that I was able to separate work from our personal problems.” Now, Briana, her beau and his bud all hang out happily.

How to make nice: Remember: This pal isn’t your guy. And just because your man thinks his Old School-ish pal is amusing, doesn’t mean he values his opinion. Chances are, the VV type is jealous that your man found someone great. Or, he feels threatened that you’re taking his best friend away (really!). Do let your date know if the guy says something truly jerky (“You two will last maybe three weeks”). If he knows his friend is being rude to you and doesn’t do anything, or says something like, “Let it go” or “He talks to everyone that way,” then do yourself a huge favor and move on.

Hateful Friend #3—The player
How do you know this guy can’t keep it in his pants? Because he flirts with you! When Alison, 34, of Philadelphia, started dating Sam, his best friend propositioned her. “I never told Sam about Jude coming on to me because I felt like I could handle it,” she says. “When Jude suggested that we get together alone, I said, ‘No thanks’.” But Jude continued to make her feel uncomfortable, and Alison soon realized she didn’t like Sam enough to put up with his best friend, Mr. Octopus.

How to make nice: If it’s just a glance or two in your direction, try ignoring it (some guys just can’t help drooling over women). But if he makes a clear advance or says something truly suggestive, say something right away: “I’m dating Jason and am not at all interested in you.” And do tell your date, just in case he hears a twisted version of the story (“Man, it was crazy, your lady came on to me outside the bathroom”). Chances are, your date knows that his friend is a dog with women, and will (a) tell his pal to keep his hands off, and (b) keep you two apart as much as possible.

Hateful Friend #4—The mooch
So you’re dating a guy whose roommate thinks it’s fine to tag along for Thai food or to the movies? It happens. Amy, 26, of Farmington Hills, Michigan, was annoyed when her date’s roommate felt it was fine to hang out with them in front of the TV on an early date. She thought: What’s with a guy who lets his roommates join in a date? But she didn’t know how to get the roomie pal to quit hanging out with them.

How to make nice: Some folks are just clueless—and if your guy happens to room with one of these unfortunate souls, you shouldn’t hold it against him. That said, it’s not a good sign if your date can’t let his buddy know he’s not welcome on his dates. Let your date know you’d love to hang out more with him—and just with him. Let him know nicely that you’d prefer if the pal didn’t join. If his friend continues to show up, show your date to the door.

One last word of advice: A guy’s friends are very important to him (just as yours probably are to you). So know that you may have to tolerate some times with a less than favorite person, but if your guy’s a keeper, it’s worth it!

Julie Weingarden Dubin writes for Cosmopolitan, Redbook, and Shape. She is the author of How to Plan an Elegant Second Wedding and lives in Huntington Woods, Michigan.

[via MSN]

Dating & different religions?

By Margot Carmichael Lester

In Amos 3:3, it’s asked “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” We asked a few faithful folks to answer this question for daters who ascribe to different doctrine. Our commenters are:

• Rabbi Lev Baesh, director, Resource Center for Jewish Clergy, www.InterfaithFamily.com
• Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway, an interfaith minister
• Alana Klein, director of communications and publications, Marymount Manhattan College; she and her fiancé are of different faiths
• Stephen Miller, Christian expert/writer, ONE: The Digital Dialog
• Pastor Bob Moeller, host, For Better, For Worse, For Keeps
• Dorette Saunders, senior editor, education unit, Nida Institute for Biblical Scholarship at the American Bible Society

And here’s what they said:

Q: When we start dating someone of a different faith, what’s the first thing a person should do?

Sanders: Open up and educate each other as to your faith practices. Does an Episcopalian really know what a Mormon believes? Does a Jew understand Catholic teachings? Can an unbeliever uphold the values of a Christian? In order to coexist harmoniously, couples may either agree not to bring up religion or agree to respectfully disagree. The problem with the latter is that such a response will eventually put a strain on their relationship as it becomes more solidified. Or in other cases, one party compromises to the point where his or her “faith” no longer looks the same. It is for this reason that the Bible, in its wisdom, knowing the stresses of everyday life, cautions that we should not be yoked unequally.

Miller: Listen to each other with an open mind. There are wise teachings and doggone dumb teachings in every major religion. As you talk, it’s OK to disagree. You can count on disagreeing. A lot. But there’s no need to be judgmental. That’s God’s job, not ours.

Q. What if we’re afraid that dating someone outside our faith will diminish it?

Brockway: My philosophy is that love between two people adds a dimension of holiness to our world that cannot be categorized by religion or culture, and that a temple can be created wherever there is love. I believe in soul mates, and I feel that the couples who are meant to be together have the ability to see each other through the eyes of the soul. That allows many feelings about differences to melt away. Or at least allows them to walk together without having to agree on all things spiritual.

Q: And what if friends and family object? How can a couple handle that?

Baesh: “When trapped, be gracious.” I just learned this from a rabbinic colleague. The best way to show that your faith is of value in the world and that you support your partner’s faith is to be the person your faith calls you to be. People will always judge and evaluate from their personal place and sometimes from fear. Often people who object are worried about other things. Listen and ask deeper questions, or sit back and let them vent—and love them. Continue your relationship by answering questions they have and asking questions you have. Invite them to join you in celebrations. It’s the best way to see it’s not as scary as they imagined it to be.

Klein: Have faith in each other. Religion didn’t bring the couple together; other forces did. During difficult times it’s important to remember that special connection you and your partner have, what brought you two together, and why you love each other.

Q. And what if two people find that they just can’t walk together?

Moeller: Say something like this: “I have truly benefited from getting know you. However, because my spiritual beliefs are such a meaningful part of my core identity, as I trust they are to you, and because we differ substantially on those beliefs, I don’t think we should pursue this dating relationship any further. It is because of this mutual genuine respect for each other that we should give each other the freedom to pursue someone who more closely shares our core beliefs. Thank you for the opportunity to meet you and be enriched by your life. But we have different destinations in mind, and we need to give each other the space to pursue those spiritual goals with all that we are.”

Baesh: [Early on,] know where faith fits in your life and rate it on its relative importance to other aspects of life, so that when entering the dating world you know where you are coming from. Learn about other faith traditions when you find they are important to the other person. But if it’s a deal-breaker, don’t head down a path that will bring about regret when the relationship will have to be severed after years of trying to make it work.

Freelance writer Margot Carmichael Lester also writes the Ask Margot advice column. Send your faith-based dating queries to her at AskMargot@match.com.

[via MSN]

Liar, Liar - What Not To Do On A Date!

By Steve Kanooka

Just like the film wouldn't it be great if every internet dater was cast with a spell that meant they could not lie. For the most the online vibe is a scary place but we are driven there on the search to fulfil the most basic human desire either love or sex. Most people are very wary and rightly so. With very little information people meet random strangers, with advice from dating sites like... "make sure you tell a friend you're going on the date, and make sure you meet in a public place, day time if possible". Good advise yes of course, but is it enough?

You could have blown me down with a feather

Dan came out a divorce six months earlier. "I was an internet dater and yes I'm a real person, what the hell I thought I'd give it a try. Was I just after sex or a relationship I didn't know it was too soon to tell. Being a man I was less scared about my safety when meeting women but I could see it from their point of view. Online was cold scary place a bit like tesco's online but for people.
What's fun about that? I was still driven to meet that special one... maybe!

The process of going on a date meant that one party had to give a phone number am I comfortable? No certainly not! But what else could we do, a conversation tells a lot about someone and could be a deal breaker if the chemistry was not there.

One date was going well after a few cocktails in a trendy London hotel bar, I noticed my date, attractive tall and slim just staring at me. It was an odd stare I felt uneasy. She had told me she wanted a committed relationship on our recent phone chats. She slowly stood up, held out her hand and smiled. Confused I took her hand and she walked me over to the hotel reception and asked for a room! I was so shocked... Then she asked the receptionist if they sold condoms you could have blown me down with a feather.

Was this the girl of my dreams no, the moment most men dream of or is it? I felt her intentions were less than honest! I left!

He had a secret!

Samantha, 26, and looking for her knight in shining armour. I really warmed to this one man we chatted both on email and phoned for a few weeks before I had the courage to meet him in person. On the way to the date he called me from his mobile he said he was sorry but he was running late and when I arrived at the bar would I mind calling him back. I was already a bag of nerves and this made me even worse why would he want this? In my less that normal state I agreed. I arrived at the bar saw he was not there and sank a large vodka fast. I then called him.

"Hi I'm here, where are you" I asked "I'm not far away, thanks for calling back" he then paused... "I just wondered" he paused "does the bar have a ramp?" I stayed silent mainly through shock. He nervously filled the silence "It's just that I'm in a wheel chair" Critical information he did not share in all those weeks.

I wanted to be angry, I was angry but how could I be angry with a disabled man. We had the date which was awkward and needless to say we did not meet again he kept the truth from me. With other dates it became a joke "before we meet you're not in a wheel chair are you? It just made me more wary.

To ugly to date!

Mary, 34, met a man who looked nothing like his photo. The main reason was his photo was of his good looking mate. He felt that if he put up his own photo he would not get dates. What on earth did he think women's reaction would be?

Internet sites get the message!

So what's the solution... Many dating sites today are aware of these kind of issues and have included video chat to over come these type of problems. Sites have also included games that help to break the ice and virtual cities to walk around and meet new people. These sites offer a more fun and safer element to the online dating scene.

The stories are true the peoples names have been changed.If you have a dating story you would like to share send it to support@kanooka.com

Research from http://www.kanooka.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Steve_Kanooka

Mistakes You Must Avoid If You Want Your Boyfriend Back

By Gillian Reynolds

Meeting a man you believe to be the "one" can completely change a woman's life. Everything in her world will seem ideal and in its place. If that same man then suddenly decides that the relationship isn't what he wants, it can feel as though the earth is falling into pieces. Sometimes in relationships both people don't feel the same things at exactly the same time. One may feel they need space or the chance to date others, and if a woman is thrown into a situation where her boyfriend feels those things, it can be heart wrenching. If you are convinced your ex is the man you are destined to be with, you need to be aware of the mistakes you must avoid if you want your boyfriend back.

One common and very easy mistake to make when you are trying to win back the affection of your ex boyfriend is to talk to his friends or family about the situation. If you are close with his friends or his parents or siblings you may think that speaking with them will help smooth the way for a reunion between the two of you. This is highly unlikely. If you want your boyfriend back you must not include anyone else in your problems. He'll resent you for doing it and it may also damage the relationship he has with his family or friends. Keep the relationship issues solely between the two of you.

If you want your boyfriend back you must also avoid crying in front of him. You may think that he'll feel sorry for you if he sees you weeping about the break-up. He won't. Men don't want to feel obligated to be in any relationship out of a sense of guilt. If you whine, beg, or pout in an effort to rekindle the romance, he'll turn the other cheek. He may also stop all contact with you because your behavior makes him uncomfortable.

Ex boyfriends sometimes decide to hop right back into the dating world. If you have visions of getting back together with him, seeing him with another woman is going to feel awful. Even hearing about his dating adventures from a mutual friend will be very difficult. You must keep yourself composed though if you want your boyfriend back. The best reaction from you would be to wish him well, and to do it with a smile on your face. He won't be expecting it and that's exactly what you want. You want him to wonder what you are thinking.

When the moment arrives that he asks to talk things out be careful how you handle this. You shouldn't take a defensive tone if you really want to get back together with him. Listen to everything he says and respect his feelings. If he asks how you feel about things, be honest without being hurtful or too overly dramatic. Keep your cool and he'll respect you even more.

The way you present yourself to your ex following the break up will play a big part in whether you'll eventually reunite as a couple. Once you understand how to approach him and what you should and shouldn't be saying, you'll stand a much better chance of recapturing his attention. For more suggestions that will help you get him back, visit this helpful site!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Gillian_Reynolds

Want To Know How To Get Your Ex To Break Up With New Girlfriend?

By Chase Brooks

Is this what you're after? If so, chances are you're going down a messy path. Winning back your Ex? It's possible. Making your ex lose interest in someone else? That's highly unlikely. Here's why...

If someone tried to make you lose interest in your ex, what chances do they have? Will they have a magic potion they'll slip into your drink that kills all your emotions for them? No.

Your goal is to change someone else's mind. In other words, your goal is set inside someone else's boundaries.

If you want to win a marathon race you train really, really hard. If you want to run a successful business you stay dedicated to it and make the right decisions. All of these are within your control.

What someone else thinks is never in your control. If you try to make your ex break up with their new girlfriend by demeaning and making her look bad, chances are you're going to come out of it looking like a complete psycho. Trust me, you'll kill your chances.

However, let's look at it another way. Can you choose to stop liking your ex? No. What is it about him? Is it his attractive body? A killer sense of humour? Maybe you can't put your finger on it, but it's there. You didn't choose to like him.

The same applies for him. He might be going out with this new girl because he wants to get over you. He dated you at some point, didn't he? That's because he found you attractive.

If you can make yourself attractive to him once again, you can win him back. If you're lucky he might even break up with his new girlfriend just to be with you again.

Even if he doesn't, you're going to make yourself feel better. You'll feel more attractive and you might even find a new man. If you want him to break up with his new girlfriend because you want pay back, dating and moving on from him is the best revenge.

Going through all this effort just to either make him unhappy or to make him available again isn't going to work, and you'll just look like an ass. I assume you want to get back into his good books again, but trying to sabotage his future relationships is going to make him avoid you at all costs.

Start dating again and get him off your mind. Keep your life busy and make yourself more attractive by showing him that you don't need him. Send him an e-mail now and then just to ask how he's doing so that he won't forget about you, but don't go beyond that.

If you keep the e-mails casual and become friends with him again, chances are he'll want to start spending time with you. If you're lucky, he might even want more. Even if he doesn't, you'll still be dating other guys and you might find one that's even better.

If you don't put all your eggs in one basket you're going to find yourself happier. By dating other guys you're going to experience and learn about new people, and you'll also have the chance to win your ex back if you keep in contact.

You might want to do anything to get your ex back, but keep it to changing yourself only. Trying to interfere with other people's lives will come back to haunt you sooner or later.

Want to learn some amazing techniques that will almost certainly win your Ex back? Or do you simply want to take control of your love life for good?

Check Out Chase's blog for a free break-up e-book and simple secrets that can win him or her back into your arms.

Click Here for your FREE "Dumped - 50 Tips On Getting Over It" E-Book

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Chase_Brooks

6 Signs She Might Be Cheating

...or perhaps thinking about it
By: Brooke McIntyre in Men's Health

1 - She's accusing you
"Often, when a woman accuses her mate of having romantic feelings or involvement with others, she's projecting her own feelings onto him," says Susan Heitler, Ph.D. If your girlfriend lacks trust in you, she may not trust herself.

2 - She wants more
If she's telling you she needs something else from the relationship, whether the request is for more intimacy or a stronger emotional connection, listen. "A woman really lets you know what she's thinking about," says Al Cooper, Ph.D., director of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. "If she tells you she's feeling unappreciated or unimportant, or wants more intimacy, it can be the last-ditch effort before she embarks on an affair."

3 - She's online
If you're hearing "You've got mail" more than "I love you," she may be spending time searching the Web for someone to talk to. "Even if she doesn't want to cheat, the Internet is particularly seductive for women," says Cooper. "It makes men have to talk, and women want a communicator."

4 - She's looking hotter than ever
If she's started something on the side, sudden changes in behavior or appearance (for the better) are common.

5 - She's sappier than ever
"If she's watching romantic movies and reading romantic books, the feeling she's getting from them is feeding something inside of her," says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a relationship expert who's online at perfectmatch.com. If your mate's not expressing these emotions in your direction, she might be looking for a new leading man.

6 - She's more attentive to you
A study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that when a man's girlfriend is cheating, she'll start to make obvious attempts to increase his satisfaction in the relationship, as well as say derogatory things about her paramour. It's a misdirection ploy to lessen your suspicions.

“How I want to be kissed”

By Christine M. Coppa

I’ve had my fair share of kisses over the years. Some, I admit, were horrible, and included things like braces, corn-chip breath, and games of tonsil hockey. But there have been some pretty sweep-me-off-my-feet kisses too, like: kissing under a sky illuminated with fireworks, a grown-up-game of spin-the-bottle (please land on green eyes—yes!), and scandalous kisses that never should have happened but felt so good. It’s no wonder, of course, that my girlfriends and I want more of the latter than the former. So listen up, guys, for some advice. Here, eight women kiss and tell…

Make sure she’s willing
“First off, does the date merit a kiss? Am I engaged in conversation with you? Am I smiling? If things seem like a go, a first kiss should be very soft. Please, no tongue! Just kiss my lips with yours. Nip at my bottom lip—just slightly tug it. Don’t be like my last first date, who licked my teeth and got my hair caught in his college ring (come to think of it—never wear a college ring on a date).”—Alexis Derano, editorial assistant

Brush up
“I think hygiene is key. Before you attempt to kiss me ask yourself: Does your breath smell like pepperoni pizza? I don’t care if we just dined in garlic heaven—a pack of gum or tin of Altoids cost around a buck. Both fit in your pocket. Puh-lease, have fresh breath. I keep Tic-Tacs on me at all times (hint, hint)! If we go back to your place to cuddle and watch a DVD, there is nothing sexier than a guy that excuses himself to the bathroom and emerges smelling like Crest. I once kissed a guy that tasted like tuna fish. We did not go on another date.”—Donna Tice, accessories buyer

Ration the love
“A little goes a long way, boys! A little lip, a little tongue, a little caressing of my cheekbone. For starters, give me a quick, sexy sweep. Then retreat—do not shove your tongue into my mouth. What I want now are your lips. I want long, solid smooches. Next, pull away and hold the back of my head in your palm. Look into my eyes. I’ll reciprocate—trust me.”—Kristina Katsulous, account executive

Sneak a peck
“When just getting to know a guy, I like it when he goes in but doesn’t make it to my lips and rather dots my cheek and lip with a long, sweet, I-know-I-like-you peck. Then he pulls away and I likely blush, which is a good sign. On our next formal date, I expect full lip-on-lip contact.”—Tina Jackson, student

Kiss me in the theater
“Take me to the movies and kiss me (just sweet pecks) at really touching moments, like when the main guy and gal realize they’re meant to be or the puppy gets saved from a burning building. It shows me you’re sensitive and totally tuned into my girly feelings. I’ll kiss you when your team scores a basket—promise.”—Rachelle King, sales associate

Watch the hands
“Do not take my hands and put them in inappropriate places on your body while we are sharing a kiss. If I like you, my hands will be caressing your brow or tucked under your collar. And I love it if your hands are resting on my hips, holding the back of my head, sweeping my cheek with a soft, open palm, or holding my hands (personal favorite). It ruins a kiss if you take your hands and go rushing to different places. If I like you… we’ll get there. —Willow Roberts, photographer

Sweep her off her feet—literally
“This is a little cheesy, but I love Hollywood kisses. Completely, over-the-top, theatrical kisses. Hold me, dip me, kiss me. It shows me you love to have fun (like me), and it’s so romantic. Hollywood kisses are also a great distraction from petty arguments, by the way.”—Laura Gowzen, personal trainer

Just do it!
“My best advice is so simple: Go for it. If you get that urge, and I don’t seem that into it, who cares? Maybe I’m just zoned out for some reason, or maybe I am into you and you just aren’t picking up on my very subtle vibes. I’ve been sneak-attacked a lot with a kiss, and nine times out of ten, it turns me on!”—Jaz Valte, publicist

Christine M. Coppa has written for Glamour, Boston Home & Garden, In Touch, etc. She has to stand on her tip-toes to kiss her boyfriend…but isn’t complaining.

How to be a better kisser

By Matt Christensen

As with driving, cooking, and cage fighting, kissing is a skill that requires practice. Most women like to think they’ve come a long way since locking braces with their high-school sweetheart. And they have! But still, there’s plenty more they could learn. Follow along with some tales of woe, and some tales of woah, and take notes on the dos and don’ts of kissing a man.

Lean to the right
“Lean to the right. I thought that was common knowledge, but I’ve been with at least three girls who went left when we went in for a kiss. It was adorably awkward, I guess, but I would’ve much rather avoided the conspicuous bruise that showed up on my forehead. I had to explain that it wasn’t a hickey, but a battle wound caused by make-out misdirection. To any woman who reads this, remember, go right.”—Sam, cameraman

Take charge
“Don’t be afraid to take the lead. I was at a bar on New Year’s Eve and, when the ball dropped, some of my female friends and I exchanged quick smooches. Then I locked eyes with a cute friend of a friend, who I’d never really met before. The mood took over, and we started to kiss. Next thing I knew, my back was against the bar and we were deeply making out. Her kissing style wasn’t overly aggressive, just firm, confident, and sexy. She took charge, and I was powerless to resist.” —Steve, writer

Close your eyes
“I had one girlfriend who, for some reason, always kept her eyes open when we kissed. I’d get this strange feeling that I was being watched while we made out, only to open my eyes briefly to find her staring back at me. Not only was it disconcerting as hell, but it made me self-conscious. Was she picking apart my moves? Did I make some kind of funny face I wasn’t aware of? I’d be completely thrown for the rest of the night.” —Jon, editor

Get your hands in on the action
“Run them through my hair, or, if you really want to get me going, stroke my neck. Yeah, it’s a bit effeminate of me, but it makes me feel as if she’s enjoying it so much that she can’t control herself. Just lip-to-lip contact is the missionary position of making out.”—Timothy, writer

Pause before you pucker
“A well-timed pause can really add to a passionate kiss. I love it when a girl leans in but doesn’t lock lips right away. She’ll go right to the point where we’re about to close our eyes, and then smirk or giggle or do something that lets me know she wants to savor the moment. And so do I.”—Chris, certified financial planner

Chuck the gum
“Is it really too much to ask that you not chew gum when we kiss? It’s funny in the movies when a girl kisses a guy and he magically ends up with her gum in his mouth, but real life is a different story. I’m all for a little tongue-on-tongue action but, please, ditch the Trident before we get there.”—Chandler, 34, club promoter

No brushstrokes
“I went on a semi-blind date and the conversation was natural, we both laughed a lot, and I think we both knew the date was going to end with a first kiss. Unfortunately, her technique can best be described as ‘lip painting.’ She literally painted my lips with her tongue, in a circular motion. I recoiled as politely as I could, and retreated to some pecks. Then I escaped in a cab and never called her back.”—John, radio host

Matt Christensen has written for Maxim and WWE Magazine. His first kiss sucked. At least, that’s what the girl told him.

Who Pays For The First Date?

By Evan Katz

A few years ago, I went out with a woman three times in a couple of weeks. We had great chemistry, and despite the fact that I was a customer service representative at JDate pulling in barely $30K, I’d paid for everything. First date was $60. Second date was $90. The third date was brunch the morning after the second date. She’d ordered a dozen bagels and then realized she’d forgotten her wallet. No big deal. An innocent mistake. She generously offered to pick up our next date.

She called me at work the following day to tell me of a play that sounded like fun. She said she was busy at work and asked if I could find out if there were tickets available. No problem. I called the theater and learned there were only six left. What’s a guy to do? No big deal, I bought a pair of tickets and figured she’d pick up dinner before we went out.

After our $40 meal, she put down her credit card and went to the bathroom. When she came back, she noticed that I didn’t put in my credit card to pick up or split the check. Upon which she glared at me and said, with a ton of venom and not a shred of irony: "What am I, your sugar mama?!"

Yeah, being a guy isn’t always the most rewarding thing in the world. But what are you gonna do? I’ve stopped wondering about what’s "fair" and have decided to embrace the system I’ve inherited. In this system, a guy pays unquestionably, and if a woman offers to pay, he is supposed to say no. At least on the first few dates. Or as long as she’s being courted. Or maybe always. It depends on the woman. We can never know unless we let down our guard and allow her to pick up a check. And by then, it’s often too late to justify your behavior.

This is a quandary all right and there is no one right answer. Until now. As your friendly neighborhood single dating coach, I’m going to give you the definitive rulebook on how to negotiate this tricky territory, once and for all….

WHAT PEOPLE SAY:

HER: He should WANT to pay for me.

Yes, and, generally, that is the case. Being generous, especially to someone you care about, is an incredible feeling - right up there, I’m told, with having everything paid for by someone else. The one time I forgot my wallet on a date, she gracefully picked up the check and told me not to worry. This was both extremely classy, and extremely appreciated.

HIM: She EXPECTS me to pay for everything.

Yes, and that’s the precedent that was established way before you were born. Don’t fight it, just do it with a smile, ’cause if you don’t, you ain’t getting another date.

HER: He SHOULD pay, especially at the beginning.

This logic is a little dicier. Why should a man pay? Because it’s chivalrous? Consider that chivalry started at a time when men worked and women didn’t. Women, literally, could NOT pay. Thus, men picking up the check sprung out of necessity, not out of kindness. It has since been codified into a gentleman’s code, which is considered in very poor taste to question. I’m not questioning, but see how angry you are that I’m even bringing it up?

HIM: But SHE asked me out.

So what? If etiquette says that you pay for the first date, and she expects you to pay for the first date, and you can afford to pay for the first date, then pay for the damn first date.

HER: It doesn’t matter what he makes. A gentleman always pays. It indicates how he feels about me.

If a guy makes a ton of money, I can assure you, it’s his absolute joy and pleasure to spring for every last drink and spa treatment. But there’s a big difference between being cheap and being poor. Cheap means the guy asks the woman to pay for the fish when he ordered the less expensive chicken. Poor means that the guy has trouble making rent if he has to pay for five dates in a month. Put yourself in his position: it’s hard to blame him for wanting to alternate checks.

My solution is, not surprisingly, an equivocation. Let’s all try to understand one another.
Guys, be as generous as possible, not only because she expects you to, but because it’s genuinely rewarding to "be the guy" and make life easier on her.

Women, be sympathetic to the grad student or schoolteacher that doesn’t have the means to be as chivalrous as he’d like. You may not be our sugar mamas, but please don’t take it for granted that we’re your ATM’s, okay?

Postscript: A version of this article was written five years ago. Since that time, I find myself in a much greater position to be generous. I remain sympathetic to men who can’t blindly pick up every single check.

My slightly revised position for who pays on a first date is this:

He grabs the check immediately.She does the "fake reach".He waves her off and insists on paying.She thanks him for his generosity. End of scene.

Presuming the man can safely afford it, this script should play out on every date during the courting phase.

HOWEVER:
You, as a man, can’t get mad if she doesn’t make the offer to split. If you offer to take her out, expect to pay for the whole thing, and be pleasantly surprised if you don’t have to.

You, as a woman, can’t get mad if he accepts your reach. If you offer to split, and he lets you split (or even pick up) the check, he has done absolutely nothing wrong. It’s not a game or a test, unless you treat it like one.

One final, overriding note for men: It doesn’t matter if it’s coffee or dinner, whether you make more or she makes more, whether you asked her out or she asked you out. You can never go wrong by paying.

Dating coach Evan Marc Katz is the author of Why You're Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not To Get Mad" and "I Can't Believe I'm Buying this Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating". He has been seen on The Today Show, The Early Show, CNN and Fox, and featured in The New York Times, Wall Street Journal and Time Magazine. Reach him at http://www.evanmarckatz.com and read his regular advice columns at http://www.advicefromasingledatingexpert.com.

5 Ways to Get Your Ex Back

By Elliot Beers

Relationships are fragile bonds that must be continually nurtured and respected in order to flourish. Each person involved in a relationship is responsible for providing value to the other half for a natural balance to be created. It is when this balance is broken that problems start to occur. Eventually an unbalanced relationship will dissolve, and this usually leaves one side still hoping things can be resolved. Being the only one working for a resolution can be a tough and lonely proposition, but there are ways to salvage even the bleakest situations.

Be Strong
There is an old saying that “no one needs the needy” and it applies itself well to broken relationships. Begging, clinging, and desperate behavior is much more likely to repel your lost love rather than attract them. Not only is it important to prove to the world that you can perceiver in the toughest of times, but you also need to prove it to yourself. While no one is claiming that breakups are easy, keep the yelling and crying behind closed doors.

Minimize Contact
Closing the doors of communication may seem counter opposite to rebuilding a failed relationship, but it is one of the most important steps. There is a reason that things have made it to this point, and it is obvious that someone needs a break. Allowing time for reflection and thought is the best way to evaluate your relationship. This also gives your Ex time to clear their mind. It could be that some time away will remind them of how valuable your relationship was.

Be Flexible
This is not the time to start issuing mandates like “pick up your things by Monday or else”. You are wrong if you think that you can scare someone into returning. Remember that your Ex left you because they were unsatisfied with some facet of your relationship. This means it is time to become the listener and sympathizer. This does not mean you have to concede to their every demand (see Stay Strong), but you will probably have to meet beyond halfway when rebuilding the bridge of communication.

Get Out
This is no time to be alone. Call your old friends and get out of the house. You need to develop other forms of entertainment in your life. This does not mean you have to date, or even look at the opposite sex (although who knows?). It simply means you need to occupy yourself and learn to develop a self-realization of who you are. Getting out will also be helpful for when you get back with your Ex. Your conversations will be spurred along by some of the new stories you have to tell.

Be Yourself
There was a reason that you and your Ex were initially attracted to each other, and this was because you are a unique person. Think of what made these first weeks or months so special, and try to identify what has changed. Sometimes relationships can become monotonous and you can forget what it was that made both of you compatible. Learn to accentuate your qualities and strive to be the real person you are. This renewed self-perception of yourself will rub off on everyone around you.

It is not easy to win back the love of your life, but it can be done. Determination and consistency are the most essential qualities needed to be successful. The basic strategies above will get you started on your quest, but it is important to continue to adapt to the situation. If you truly love your Ex, then you need to do everything in your power to prove yourself. For more resources, please visit Get Back My Ex.

Sometimes you need help to save your relationship. Proven resources and strategies are available at http://getbackmyex.com

The Most Often Asked Relationship Question

By Richard Pellegrino

The most often asked relationship question is: How do I find the right one for me?
The short answer is: You are the right one for you! In other words, by knowing and loving yourself you will find and attract the “right” mate. However, contrary to the opinions of some, there are many souls who are “right” for each other and really any two people who are committed to each other can not only maintain a long lasting relationship and marriage but can grow in love and romance. There are many “arranged” marriages around the world which grow into loving relationships—so that is proof that any two souls can make it if they choose to. Of course, it is better if the couple has some interests and goals in common, but really the main quality in successful relationships is persistence or “sticktuitiveness” and the option of separation and divorce has to be eliminated from the vocabulary and consciousness, only to be resurrected in emergency situations of extreme abuse. Romance and having fun together will grow as you work, struggle and grow together; in fact, too much romance or fun in advance of marriage may serve to produce unrealistic expectations and may cloud judgment. As you learn to love your own unique self and qualities you will begin to attract others who are in the same process, and are attracted to your qualities. Make a list of the qualities you are seeking in a mate and then move into the creative process utilizing the Power of Attraction:

• ASK: First of all you have to believe you have the right to ask for the Universe or God to grant you your wishes. Then make a list of the qualities you are seeking in a mate. And visualize your perfect mate.

• Believe that you will be granted your wish, as stated above, that you are noble and deserve the very best.

• Receive your gift before you actually have it; practice “Gratitude” for what you already have; plan your wedding; act as if you are already there!

Then become conscious of who you are attracting into your life and make your selection. Always continue loving and knowing yourself in order to keep attractive, even and especially after years of marriage.

What is your favorite Relationship Question? Send it to us at support@a1-life-skill-coaching.com and we will write an article relating to it.

Our Mastermind Group which focuses on relationships will discuss the above mentioned principles and other relationship issues; register for it in our About the Mastermind Groups section at www.a1-life-skill-coaching.com

52; Fathered and still raising Eight, Multi-Racial Children, in 25 yrs. of marriage to one Spouse.
Professional Fields & Positions include: Counseling & Psychology, Business Management & Development, Sales & Marketing, Education, Accounting, Entrepreneur.

Creative endeavors include: Author and Editor of numerous professional and faith-based articles, newspaper series, training materials, courses, and booklets; Producer and on air personality for faith based self-help radio & TV programs and series; Musician, talent promoter and marketer in entertainment industry; portion of life story was portrayed in a made for TV movie.

Traveled extensively in Europe and Caribbean and lived in Caribbean for six years. Have lived and served in Native American Reservations, Urban and rural ghettos,
More info to be found at http://www.a1-life-skill-coaching.com in "About the Coaches Section".

Love At First Friendship

By Toni Parker

“What is the best thing I can do to make my relationship even stronger?”
This is the most frequently asked question I get after guiding couples through a crisis … and so it’s a good one to explore here with you.

One of the things that is really important is learning how to strengthen your relationship from a friendship point of view. If you use the analogy of building a house, then you know that the first thing you have to do is build a strong foundation in order for your home to rest on solid ground. In other words, you have to start from the ground up.

A relationship is no different. First you must build a good foundation upon which to base your love. And the best foundation is a very strong friendship as well as an understanding of how to keep strengthening that friendship. I use several tools to achieve this which we can get into in subsequent articles.

The other important key in fostering a strong friendship is learning how to deal with conflict. Because inevitably conflict is going to be part of every relationship. And I really want to stress this as sometimes people think that a relationship should always be rosy, and that’s just not how life is. Life has it ups and downs, as we all know, and when we make a commitment to a relationship we must understand and accept that there’s going to be challenges within life’s normal ups and downs.

Therefore, we need to properly prepare ourselves to handle conflict when it does arise so we do not erode the very foundation upon which our love is based. And it is important to learn how to communicate when faced with conflict in a way that does not attack your partner, but rather deals directly with the situation or issue at hand.

Are you beginning to see why strengthening the friendship within your relationship is so important, given the normal ebb and flow of life? Because if you have a strong friendship then you have solid and common ground upon which to grow other aspects of your relationship. More importantly, a strong friendship breeds a strong bond of closeness. And if you feel close to one another, then you can establish greater intimacy.

On the other hand, if you don’t feel close to your partner then you won’t feel connected. And when you don’t feel connected, you will not continue to have a desire to be with that person. In fact, you may grow so apart that you no longer want to be touched or held by them. After all, if you don’t share your innermost feelings with each other, then you are no longer emotionally intimate. If you are no longer emotionally intimate (especially for women), then a disconnect occurs when trying to initiate physical intimacy.

Bottom Line: If you do not feel close and you do not feel heard, then your relationship will crumple … sooner or later.

Toni Parker, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and relationship expert for singles as well as couples, and a sought after speaker internationally. From her private practice in Encino, California, she has become a trusted resource for countless couples world-wide (including Hollywood celebrities) for over 22 years. This wealth of experience along with her engaging presentation style has made her an in demand speaker among Fortune 500 companies and special interest groups worldwide. She’s also a certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist and a Member of the Gottman Relationship Clinic.

To book Toni for a customized presentation or view her most popular workshops and keynotes visit her website at http://www.RealSolutionsForLove.com and hit the "workshops" tab. While you're there, pick up her latest FREE report, 69 Ways to Increase Intimacy.