Computers - Funnier Than a Dose of Chicken Pox....

By Gerry Steinhauer

As we all know computers have language(s) all of their own and a glossary of terms that occasionally needs explanation so here is an attempt to set you on the path of enlightenment.
This list is by no means full or guaranteed to turn you into a 'techie but will, I hope, explain some of the more arcane workings of the 'machine'.

Computer
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

Beta
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

This should not be confused with Alpha which is Latin for "doesn't work" and is often applied to first releases of Microsoft Software.

CPU
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a hamster if it's a 386, a ferret if it's a 486 and a ferret on speed if it's one of the latest Pentium processors (SEE DELL below).

The CPU is also used in laptop computers and I personally would be very careful about using a laptop computer with a ferret inside but feel free to call me paranoid.

DELL
All Dell processors use ferrets to power the spinning wheel. Dell have a very strict policy of using only the finest scientific brains and as such know nothing about drugs. Anyone who has ever seen a ferret on acid will instantly recognise a Dell processor.

Pentium
As all students of witchcraft know Pent comes from Pentagram which is used to cage and control Demons. That hopefully explains why Computers sometimes fail to do what you want and revert to doing what they want.

Celeron
Not many people know that the major computer manufacturers have already begun preparing for the breakdown of civilisation. The Celeron processor is powered by methane activated celery particles. It can be used anywhere there is a plentiful supply methane and explains why all milking machines are controlled by Celeron processors.

Error message
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File
A document which has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It often helps to think of a file as something stored in a filing cabinet - except that when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Default Directory
A black hole. Default directory is where all files whose names you can remember but can't find disappear to.

Help
The feature that assists users by generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Reference Manual
Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Programmers
Computer avengers. Once members of that group of school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorised Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever dissed them in those days.

Printer
A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Users
Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.

Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it

Expert Users People who break other people's computers

Finally it may help to understand that most computer problems have a common source - this is known as the "Id Ten Tee" problem and was named after Wattan the person who first recognised it.

It may help you to write it phonetically.

Wattan ID10T
Now if you don't want to end up as one of these call a computer trainer now (tip the article author is one) and don't hang up until you have convinced him to teach you all you need to know.

You may have to cross his palms with silver but when you see the Iamnottan ID10T certificate hanging on your wall it makes everything worthwhile.

See what professional computer training can do for you and your company colleagues - look at A2IT Ltd

http://www.a2it.co.uk