The Secret Ways You Say "I Love You"



Do you and he have a code word that means "Want you!"? A look that says "Love you"? A classic line from The Simpsons that stops a fight in its tracks? Find out why this sexy, sweet shorthand means even more than you know.

With three kids in the house, Stacie Zaragosa and her husband, Ricardo, have to get creative when they want to escape the crowd. So this Winsted, CT, couple have come up with a secret code phrase that lets them slip up to the bedroom, no questions asked. "One of us will say, 'I think we should both go upstairs and fold the laundry,' " says Stacie, 34. "The kids would never go near laundry, so it's a safe bet!"

Whatever your secret code is, speaking a private language doesn't just give you two a charge - it actually has the power to strengthen your bond. "Public displays of commitment - such as having a signal at a party to let each other know you're bored and want to leave - are better predictors of a couple's longevity and stability than public displays of affection, according to a recent study," says therapist Pat Love, coauthor of the upcoming book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. "That's because these acts show nonverbally that you think as a couple, that your partner's having a good time is as important as your having a good time, and that your commitment to each other is bigger than your commitment to almost anything else." (Not taking sides against your spouse in a heated cocktail-party political debate - or even something as simple as finishing your meals at more or less the same time - also counts as public displays of commitment.)

"Communicating in code reinforces your solidarity and rapport," adds Diana Boxer, Ph.D., a professor of linguistics at the University of Florida. "It not only shows off your identity as a couple, it actually strengthens it, and that makes you feel more connected."

Where Do Codes Come From?
Three words: your shared history. "When couples have a meaningful experience together, they tend to use a word or phrase as a shorthand way of evoking the entire experience," says redbook Love Network expert Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., couples therapist and author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. For Tessina and her husband, that word is "candles," because on their honeymoon, they passed out with candles blazing and almost torched the place. "Now all one of us has to say is 'candles' and we both laugh," she says.

No couple sits down and makes a point of figuring out a covert phrase or signal to share; rather, "The meaning of a code evolves over time," Boxer notes. "The more we get to know each other, the more we understand how the other person thinks."

Usually, codes are created at random, as was the case for Andrea Nemeth, 36, and her husband, Vadim Shleyfman, of Caldwell, NJ. "When we wave our hands in a shooting motion like a gun, we mean, 'I love you,'" Andrea says. Its origin? She can't remember! "We created it in some goofy moment," she says, and they now use it often.

What Code Can Do for Your Love
Having your own shorthand is a time-saver, for sure. But your catchphrases and nonverbal cues can also help you put hard-to-express emotions into words, find a comfortable way to ask for sex, even say, "Why are we fighting, anyway?" Some of the surprising benefits of your secret language:

Code keeps "I love you" from being one-size-fits-all.
When Anna Colombo, 37, met her man, she knew right away they were meant to be together. "Yet saying 'I love you' was not my thing," says this native of Italy who now lives in Salt Lake City. "So one day I told him, 'You're my home.'" More than 10 years of marriage and two kids later, the pair say these three magical words all the time. And their pet phrase has new relevance, she adds, "since we left Italy and our families and friends to move here."

So why not just say "I love you"? "Code is extra-intimate, because it says that you and I have been through this thing that nobody else has," says Tessina. "It's absolutely specific to you two." And if you're not a Hallmark kind of couple, it also lets you personalize the tone of your "I love you," as Shannon and Daniel McCauley of Philadelphia do. "I often call him 'a half-witted, stuck-up, scruffy-looking nerfherder,' to which he replies, 'Who's scruffy-looking?' - in perfect Han Solo timing," says Shannon, 32. "We also sign every email with 'I.M.S.' It stands for 'Implied Mushy Stuff.'"

Code lets you be private in public.
No matter where you are or who else is around, code creates a space for just you two. When Stephanie Hahn-Schmidt and her husband started dating, he was working for a paving company, side by side with big, burly guys' guys. "Every time he called me from a job site, he was embarrassed to say 'I love you,' in case someone was listening. So instead he would tell me, 'I like you,'" relays Stephanie, 38, a mom of four from Lodi, WI. "We've been married more than 11 years now, and we still say it to this day."

Glynis Buschmann, 42, of Yuba City, CA, and her husband have devised their own sneaky shorthand to help them feel connected in a crowd. "We just say 'magnificently' or 'incredibly' to say 'I love you magnificently' or 'I love you incredibly,' " Glynis says. "We started it when we were first dating and talking on our cell phones, where other people could hear us."

Heck, you don't even need words to create a just-us bubble: Suzanne Dunn's husband, Stevon, touches his nose to let her know she's adored. "He does it all the time - during family dinners, at parties, at our kids' ball games," says Suzanne, 35. "Nobody else has a clue what he's doing. It's our secret, and it feels so good."

It's no surprise that getting covert makes you feel cozy in a crowd, says Love. "It says, We're together, you're tuned in to me, and I hold a special place in your heart," she explains. "The reason we're in a relationship in the first place is we want to know we're somebody's best friend, and that we hold that unique place in his life."

Code helps you bridge the man-woman communication gap.
"Shorthand is a way for women to speak the male language," Love says. "Men aren't given to nuance. They like quick - doing rather than talking through things. And they hate having to figure out meaning. Having a code saves time and energy, so he's happy." In other words, codes help the two of you meet halfway between the talky female style of communicating and the silent male style.

Even though codes tend to be male-friendly, we XX's take to cryptic talk just as much as men do. "Women lead the way with developing a private language," Love notes, "because women's brains are highly specialized for reading subtle and nonverbal cues, and for attaching emotion to language." That's how it happened for Jacque Mellor, 42, of Casselberry, FL, and her husband. "We always kiss when the clock says 12:34 - a.m. or p.m. - because that is the time we were married 23 years ago," Jacque says. "My husband says I'm the one who started it, but he's the one who made it a tradition."

Code makes asking for affection less scary.
It's little wonder that so many of us have a signal or password that means, "Action, please!" "Sex makes us more vulnerable than almost anything else," Love points out. After all, being turned down for sex can make anyone feel inadequate, rejected, or undesirable. "But when you have a code or cue," she continues, "it takes away that awkward negotiation and paves the way for true intimacy. It provides an easy way for your partner to say no without it seeming like a big deal."

And these cues do more than subtly get your point across - they help get both parties in the proper frame of mind. It makes sense: If you consistently associate a word or signal with sex - such as if your sex shorthand is "Orlando," because that was the site of your first overnight together - with time, that word or signal alone can actually get you both fired up. That's the case with Christi Mann, 25, and her husband, Dave. "I have a shirt that I put on when I want to get frisky - it's a gray tank top with a little bunny on it," says Christi. "Now, every time I put it on, it drives him crazy!"

You can use code to say "Truce!"
The first thing Wendy Alli ever said to her husband-to-be when she saw him sitting three bar stools away was, "Want a chip?" She instantly felt stupid, but it started a conversation that started a real-life love story. And the phrase now saves the Spring Hill, FL, pair from letting silly fights get in the way of their good thing. "When we get a little frustrated with each other, one of us will say, 'Want a chip?' and it brings us back to that moment when we first met," reports Wendy, 33. "It always makes us laugh!"

No matter what your twist on "Want a chip?" is, having a lighthearted white-flag phrase or signal breaks the tense mood, helping you remember the big picture ("We're great together!") rather than the little issue at hand ("He used up my $30 conditioner!"). "Humor and teasing can be a powerful tool for defusing a charged interaction," explains Boxer. And it doesn't just help you in the moment: Research has shown that couples who use humor to alleviate tension and conflict have longer-lasting marriages than couples who don't.

Still, your truce code doesn't have to be a knee-slapper, as Kimberly Salem, 40, and her husband, Joe, of Proctorville, OH, have discovered. "We often forget how much we mean to each other in the midst of an argument," she says. "So we came up with a code that puts things into perspective: W.A.B., which stands for 'We Are Blessed.' It puts a smile on our faces every time."

Having a saying with personal meaning can even help you through really tough times. Nobody knows that better than Mandy Snyder, 29, and her fiancé, Ed Blank, 29. The Allison Park, PA, couple were trying to build a house, but "at every turn, we ran into difficulties," she says.

"Around the same time, we watched the movie The Money Pit, and every time the main characters would ask a carpenter or plumber how long something would take, they got the same answer: 'Two weeks!' Now, any time one of us is getting too stressed, we'll smile at each other and say, 'Two weeks!' We always laugh and it draws us closer together."

Code Red
As long as you're not calling each other "Splenda lips" in front of the boss, there's little downside to using code. Of course, you don't want to communicate exclusively in a private pig latin, Love advises. "Remember there's a time and a place for deeper expressions," she says. "Make sure your connection is deeper than a catchphrase."

Here's one good sign that it is: Your secret signals keep the two of you feeling connected over time. "When we're at a party and someone else is talking too much, my husband and I will discreetly push our knees together and glance over at each other for a second," says Jade Woodson, 36, of River Rouge, MI. "For 20 years, it's let us know that we're both feeling the exact same way. It's sweet satisfaction to know that not only are we soul mates, but we're also still great friends."

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