The Hard Stuff: "He Needs a Real Job!"

By Karen Karbo

Q: My husband was laid off from his engineering job about five years ago, and hasn't been able to find another one. He's been working as a substitute teacher and is good with special-needs kids, but won't become certified or accept permanent work in this area. When we don't discuss his job hunt, he stops looking. I recently tried to approach him again about getting certified, and he screamed and sobbed. I can barely manage our finances on my teacher's salary, and our kids will need college soon. Any advice? —L.N., 48, Mesa, AZ

A: Sometimes men are a little like horses — you quit kicking them on, and they figure this means it's time to stop and graze. But it isn't your job to kick your husband on. Rather, you need to understand what your financial responsibility is and what his is and proceed accordingly. So sit down and figure out your monthly expenses, including at least 15 (but preferably 20) percent of your salary that will go toward savings.

Whatever amount you arrive at, half is his responsibility, and he's got to figure out how to get it. Maybe he'll push harder to land an engineering job.

Maybe he'll see if he can snag some more substitute-teaching work, or maybe he'll decide that becoming certified is a good idea after all. Maybe a flush relative can float him a loan. If worse comes to worst, they're always hiring at Starbucks. The point is, as long as it's legal, how he decides to solve this problem is up to him. Give him a couple of months to get his ducks in a row, then tell him when you're going to expect his full contribution.

Of course, there's always the possibility that, without telling you, your husband has made the unilateral decision to, um, retire early. If that turns out to be the case, I'd find myself a couples counselor to impress upon him the seriousness of the situation. Money can't buy love, but serious, unresolved conflicts over money can press love to its limits. Your husband needs to know this.

Award-winning writer Karen Karbo is the author of How to Hepburn: Lessons on Living From Kate the Great. She's also a mom, a writing teacher and a horse owner. Send your questions to her at: The Hard Stuff, REDBOOK, 300 W. 57th St., New York, NY 10019 or karenkarbo@redbookmag.com. Letters may be edited for clarity and length, and must include your initials, age, city, and state. For more advice from Karen, go to redbookmag.com/karenkarbo.

Source: MSN

Feeling Good Versus Working Hard

By Karen Nierlich

This week's topic has long been an interest of mine - and the interest stems from my Cross Country racing days. I was one of the fastest female runners in Los Angeles, but I had a tendency to "psyche myself out" during the season semi-finals and finals. In thinking about, evaluating, and preparing for these races, I focused too intensely...and sometimes sabotaged my own performance through over-analysis.

A relaxed but focused state of mind is a much better place from which to compete, work and think. Getting agitated or amped and focusing harder, does not lead to better, clearer or more creative thoughts.

It's clear that this awareness is part of a paradigm shift in our society. We've spent the last several generations with our work closely tied to Puritanical values, suggesting that we needed to buckle down and devote our lives to our work...but it seems more and more common for people to respect the work/life balance, and to follow a "feel good, work smart" model.

This model was even suggested in the movie The Secret. In this movie about The Law of Attraction, writer and marketing guru Joe Vitale says something along the lines of, "It's all about feeling good as much as possible. You can get more of what you want when you are feeling good."
This "relaxed focus" is a tool that athletes use to excel, and even corporations such as Pixar and Google have discovered that happy employees are productive employees.

Unfortunately, it can be easy to revert to a centuries-ingrained Protestant model...and work harder than you need to for less then you could have. If you're having a hard time remembering that feeling good is a part of productive work habits, think about integrating some of the habits below into your daily routine.

Some ways that I use the "feel good" approach while working:

Routinize the little stuff. I made a list of little work tasks I need to do daily. I do them first. Record receipts, check balances, and make calls. By making them into a simple routine, what was a chore that bogged me down became a 5-15 minute routine.

When writing, plan to do 3 or more drafts. I let time do half the work for me. Meaning I write without effort accepting whatever I get. Then I read it once and put it away. Then I come back the next day and work on it again. This is not a formula, and there are ways I probably vary it each time. But I don't work at writing, I just take what I get and keep trying.

Write down questions I have about projects, work or other doings in my life and the accompanying thoughts. I revisit them later. Answers often just come.

Make my workspace comfortable and attractive.

Use silly pens. My daughter received some pens in bright colors with feathers on the top and she gave them to me.

Exercise at regular intervals and more when stressed.

Take frequent breaks.

Walk outside or change projects or go do something else when stuck, rather than continuing to plug away at it.

Of course, this is not a prescription. Getting to the relaxed, but focused state of mind is an individual thing that must gel with your personality and learning-style.

Some things, however, are universal. Eating frequently and lightly, getting plenty of sleep, and spending time outdoors seem to apply to everyone, but after that it's pretty individual. For some it's knitting, for other's it's throwing a baseball. Some people relax by cleaning. Others watch TV.

Karen Nierlich ©2007 All Rights Reserved
Resource Box: Karen Nierlich, Principal of Almost Everything Communications, works with independent businesses who want to attract more clients, more easily through their Website.
She and Tod Abbott are authors of The Website "Build It Right" Guide; a guide written to empower non-technical entrepreneurs by giving them honest advice on working with a Web designer. Start receiving free help by signing up for their newsletter Web Strategies at http://www.AlmostEverythingWeb.com Email Karen at Karen@AlmostEverythingWeb.com

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You Dont Have to Work That Hard

By Gina Ratliffe

"Riches begin with a state of mind. With definiteness of purpose, and with little or no hard work." (Taken from Think & Grow Rich)

Sounds good, right? Then why is it so opposite the way most of us think? We tend to tell ourselves that we have to work so hard to get what we want, to lose the weight, to make the money, to create this, to get that done.

But let me assure you, we were not meant to live heavily burdened lives.

Show me the scripture that says you are meant to have a life of heavy burden. That you are meant to work constantly. That you are supposed to do it all by yourself. There's no scripture (from any faith) like that, right?

It's time to really understand and believe that life is not meant to be hard. Nowhere does it say that we are meant to pound the pavement ourselves and work ourselves into oblivion to get what we want. Chances are, if we are really in alignment with what it is we want, God wants us to have it too. He is not up there thinking, "how can I get her to work really hard for this, I know she really wants it. Let's see how hard we can make it for her." Right?

It is the testing of our faith that produces perseverance and it is that perseverance that produces character. And from that character, it is necessary to realize that much of what our culture has taught us--that we HAVE to work hard-is not necessarily true.

It all begin's with your intention. Do what you know. Do what is within your hand. And then follow the people who have been successful doing exactly what it is that you're going after.

You don't have to do this alone. We live in an age of specialists now! There are people out there that are absolute experts in what it is you want to do and accomplish.

Part of what Esther had was a whole support system of maids. When she had to pray and fast, she said, "I'm going to gather my maids and we are going to pray and fast."

So part of what I want all of you to look at is, what assistance do you have available to you to accomplish more and actually do less?

It might mean you getting out of the way of yourself. It might mean letting life be a little bit lighter and easier. It might mean you getting an assistant. It might mean asking your husband or your kids for help with something. It might mean sitting down at the beginning of your day and structuring in three hours to do your work and then the rest of the day to ENJOY yourself, to do what calls you from your soul. There's nothing spiritual about a drained, dried, depleted woman.

The world glorifies luscious, wise, exciting, sensitive, soft women. And no one is going to make you softer than you. There isn't a man, there isn't an amount of money, there isn't an assistant, there isn't anyone who can give you that luscious softness, elegance, magnetism and attraction better than YOU.

And that will require you taking time for your life. Chances are it will require you going a little slower. Chances are it will require you actually living the spiritual practice that I know you all know.

And guess what? You have what you need. And when you have these foundational pieces in line for you, when you're taking care of yourself, when you're in tune with your emotions, when you are journaling or meditating, or doing yoga, or working out, or loving that you're making healthy food choices, then, and only then will you go further.

This will be your foundation. But until you are totally connected to yourself on a deep level, the rest of your work is just futile. It's just empty energy. And there isn't a single woman that doesn't desire profound purpose for her life.

My encouragement to you all is to do what it takes to have meaning in your life. And that may require stopping. That may require breathing and listening to yourself breathe. Who is it that you need to be? What might you need to do differently? The best part is, it's up to you.
© 2007 Gina Ratliffe

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